Get out your shoulder things that go up, guys–it’s party time!
The Second Amendment world is all agog this week because the California 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that California’s ban on “high-capacity magazines” violates the 2A. Up until now, California had banned all magazines capable of accepting 10 rounds or more of ammunition, based on the sagelike advice of a number of television shows that are produced in The Golden State. With this ruling, California gun owners can finally dig up their double-barrel magazine extended clips (DBMECs) from their burial spot in the back yard. That’s right, fellas–get your shoulder things that go up, because it’s party time!
Let’s review the galaxy-brained philosophy behind the recently overturned ban. This quote, courtesy of a 20-year veteran of California’s police force and “TV police expert,” explains: “The problem is high-powered weapons. It’s weapons that go through walls in some instances, armory that officers wear. It’s the availability of a double-barreled magazine extended clips. Why would a regular person need all of that?”
Although I know that a California TV Police Expert disagrees, I’m so excited I can hardly keep my spit in my mouth. Up until this very moment any firearm featuring a double-barrel was incapable of firing more than two shots without reloading. Now, all of our high-powered silenced pocket rocket Saturday Night Specials can rain lead like hail all day long.
The 66-page majority opinion in Duncan vs. Becerra was written by Circuit Judge Kenneth K. Lee. In his ruling, Judge Lee observed, “We understand the purpose in passing this law. But even the laudable goal of reducing gun violence must comply with the Constitution. California’s near-categorical ban of [large capacity magazines] LCMs infringes on the fundamental right to self-defense. It criminalizes the possession of half of all magazines in America today. It makes unlawful magazines that are commonly used in handguns by law-abiding citizens for self-defense. And it substantially burdens the core right of self-defense guaranteed to the people under the Second Amendment. It cannot stand.”
“This was a fantastic ruling,” observed the Second Amendment Foundation‘s Alan Gottlieb. “The court went into considerable detail about the history of magazine development and essentially follows the logic of our amicus, for which we are all very proud.”
“This is a tremendous victory for all who value the rule of law and preservation of individual liberties protected by the U.S. Constitution,” said Lawrence G. Keane, NSSF Senior Vice President of General Counsel.
“I’m so bored with this the ruling already,” whined Freedom’s Lodge’s Trace Munson, aka me. “I want to know when they’re going to let me have my extra-lethal body armor. Or my fully semi-automatic machine yeet cannons.”
Current Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden was unavailable for comment, but his new press secretary offered a reaction. “The Ninth Circuit of appeals is full of sh*t,” opined Cash Me Outside Girl. “Joey B and me are gonna get all those double-barrel magazine extended clips and peel they caps,” she continued. “Then we move on to drive-by bayonetings.”
Readers, I don’t know about you, but I think my barrel is experiencing a critical pressure problem if you know what I mean and I think you do…
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.