It’s all over, folks: Cuomo’s on to us!
A couple of days ago, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-Hell) announced that New York State is in the throes of a “disaster emergency on gun violence.” Declaring that the murders of 51 people over a holiday weekend–a grim and terrible number to be sure–represents a “public health crisis,” Cuomo’s showboating is “a desperate attempt to shift blame to guns and the firearms industry to mask his own incompetence in dealing with rising crime in the Empire State,” the Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms commented.
Asserting that, “We went from one epidemic to another epidemic, we went from COVID to the epidemic of gun violence,” Cuomo argued that “more people are dying of gun violence than of COVID.”
Those of us who are thinking, “Well no duh, Raggedy Andy, that’s because very few people are dying of COVID now that we have a vaccine and better ways to support the sick,” should please just stop thinking. Thinking is not how Cuomo got elected, and it’s certainly not helpful when there are so many other things that Cuomo can blame on the Second Amendment right now.
Number One: Guns made Cuomo stick COVID patients in nursing homes and then cover it up.
As you may already know, one of the first things Cuomo did when the COVID outbreak hit was shut down gun stores. One of the very next things he did was order that people who were sick with the highly contagious coronavirus be placed in nursing homes. You may be wondering why Cuomo would essentially hose down New York’s elderly with COVID, but wonder no longer! It was the guns, you see. Their very presence, even locked up in a closed store, was so dangerous that Cuomo had to hide the sick people somewhere safe so the guns couldn’t find them. And there’s nowhere safer than a nursing home, surrounded by people so fragile you could knock them out with a sneeze.
That’s why Cuomo just signed legislation to make it legal to sue gun manufacturers for the crimes committed with them: So the manufacturers will stop making guns that cause COVID.
Number Two: Guns made Cuomo sexually harass those women.
Since he took office, numerous women have come forward to complain that Governor Cuomo said and did sexually inappropriate things to and around them. It may seem odd that the guy who literally wrote the book on sexual harassment laws in New York State would then go and do the exact things he just made illegal. You may be wondering if it wasn’t a law, but a how-to. You’d be wrong, of course, because the truth of the matter is that it’s all the guns’ fault.
Here’s how it works! As we’ve noted many times before, anti-gunners believe that firearms are actually just men’s way of “overcompensating” for our genitalia. When Governor Cuomo shut the gun stores down at the beginning of the COVID pandemic, the guns struck back with a bullying campaign, teasing poor Andy that all the women around him could tell that he had a small penis. He had two choices: Either re-open the gun stores and allow the guns to go back to gunning around killing innocent people all by gunselves, or correct everyone’s false belief about his mighty member. He had no choice other than to make sure that they knew that, in fact, “Andy Jr.” is a force to be reckoned with … and Dick’s connoisseur Mike Bloomberg agrees.
What else did the guns in Cuomo’s state force him to do? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.