He’s the gift that just keeps on giving…like herpes.
Ah, good ol’ Sideshow Joe Biden: Between his folksy, aw-shucks schtick, his creepy-uncle behavior with the ladies, and his complete cluelessness about anything involving gunpowder, he’s been a real boon for sarcastic gun writers. Not so much for actual gun rights, I’m afraid, but up until very recently he wasn’t much more than a laughingstock–a little comic relief in a world of actual threats to the Second Amendment like Hillary Clinton and Mike Bloomberg. (Just as a reminder: Bloomberg loves Dick’s. Can’t get enough of ’em.) The trouble is that he’s now something of a front-runner for the 2020 Democratic nomination, so I guess we’re going to have to at least act like we take him seriously. So here are the three dumbest things Diamond Joe has said about guns and gun rights…this week.
1. Biden’s Al Gore moment
Those of us who are old enough to recall the utter shitshow that was the 2000 election no doubt remember Al Gore getting roasted for his claim to have helped invent the Internet. Those of us who aren’t, please gather ’round while I tell you a tale of the before-time, of the long-long ago. Twenty years ago, both the left- and right-leaning media would dogpile on any candidate who said something that laughable. These days, mmmmnotsomuch. Here’s our first insane Sideshow Joe quote (source):
For example, one of the things we worked on early on, and I worked on with folks out in Silicon Valley, we should be able to make a weapon that, in fact, you can only, if you can buy it, can only be fired with James Bond kind of stuff, if it has your print on it. You’re the only one that can pull the trigger,” Biden said. “That’s within our capacity to do that.”
I love that he’s trying to take credit for the technology that we now use to unlock our smartphones, but not as much as I love the fact that he hasn’t done any further cogitation on the matter. Dear readers, please stand up if your smartphone has unlocked on the first try every single time you’ve used your fingerprint. I don’t know about you, but I’m fairly loath to trust my life with the same technology that can be defeated by an overly humid day. I’d also wonder exactly how the gun grabbers of the world think selling a used “smart gun” would work…after all, if the tech can be re-set to accept a new person’s print at all, then criminals will be doing it before you can say “jailbroken iPhone.”
2. The one “entitlement” he doesn’t like
I don’t tend to veer off into politics that don’t touch guns and hunting, but I will note that it’s interesting to see that Biden believes people are entitled to free cell phones and plans at taxpayer expense…but not a gun at their own expense. Here’s the quote (source):
Former Vice President Joe Biden admitted that the “Second Amendment exists” but stressed during his speech in New Hampshire on Tuesday that it does not say everyone is “entitled” to own a gun.
Actually, Creepy Druncle Joe, that’s actually exactly what the Second Amendment says. The Founding Fathers were quite clear on the matter, and so was the Supreme Court in 2008. Now, it’s true that some narrow exceptions have been carved out, in much the same way that there are narrow exceptions to the First Amendment. But the fact that convicted felons can’t own guns without a judge’s say-so doesn’t mean that the government is permitted to treat law-abiding citizens that way…at least, not without violating the Constitution that any future President must swear to protect.
3. I don’t even know what this is. Just, what?
I’ve saved the best for last, and that’s because I know there’s going to be plenty more where this came from. Take a moment to savor this lunacy (source):
You give me a nine millimeter Glock, and you have a thirty-eight revolver, I’ll kill more people quickly in here. You’d shoot as many, but I’ll kill more.
Let’s set aside the fact that the Glock 9mm is arguably the most popular handgun in America today. Let’s set aside the fact that the .38 and the 9mm are actually quite similar in terms of their terminal ballistics. Let’s focus, instead, on the fact that Diamond Joe Biden thinks that the Glock–which, depending on the model and magazine used, will generally hold 16 rounds–will only be able to shoot as many bullets as a revolver. Has he ever seen a revolver? Does he know what a Glock looks like? Is he able to subtract 5 or 6 from 16? Or is he simply saying this because he’s heard “Nine millimeter Glock” and it sounds more bad-ass to him than “revolver,” so therefore he figures it must be a deadlier gun?
I actually think we might be on to something there. On the one hand, it would be a terrible thing for gun rights if gun-banning Joe “Biden His Time Until He Can Grab Guns” were elected. On the other hand, should that happen, we can clearly all look forward with great pleasure to Glock renaming themselves the Fluffy Bunny Company and the introduction of their brand-new double-stack polymer-framed 9mm Adorable Kitten.
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.