3 People Who Want to Borrow Your Gun (& What to Tell Them)

Every gun owner meets at least one of these in their lifetime…

If you own firearms and you don’t mind letting people know it, sooner or later one of them will ask you if they can borrow one of those guns. Although there are about 300 million people in America, and every one is a very special and unique snowflake, the people who would like to borrow your gun fall into three main archetypes. Here’s who they are, and what you should probably say in reply:

Also wants you to know that your grass is half an inch too long.

1. Karen from the Homeowners’ Association

The first time Karen heard that you’re a gun owner, she looked at you as if you had eight heads and each one of them was busy eating a newborn infant. She loudly asked if you had a license for it, then, when you told her you didn’t need one, she scoffed and said “we’ll see about that.” Not only won’t she let her kids play with your kids at your house (which is certainly her right), she snidely questions the sanity of everyone who does.

Until the hurricane rolls in, that is. When the power’s been out for a few days and 911 still isn’t responding to phone calls, plan on Karen popping by to see if she can borrow one of your boomsticks. You know, just for a little extra security. You don’t mind, do you?

What to tell Karen:

That she needs a license to borrow your gun, and that they’re available for purchase at www.hahahahano.no.

He takes a bath once a month, whether he needs it or not.

2. Aydinn from the food pantry.

Aydinn figured out you were a hunter when you stopped by to donate some venison, and thought it was kinda messed up, maaann, like, that you would, like, kill a deer. They’re like, so pretty and peaceful and junk. That’s why he moved out here to the country (with his girlfriend, Aydenne), so they could, like, get back to nature and stuff. He really hopes you don’t bring your death and negativity around his place, maaannn.

Until the deer get into Aydenne’s vegetable garden, the skunks get under their porch, and the raccoons get into Aydinn’s dreadlocks, that is. Then you might hear from Aydinn about maybe borrowing that 20-gauge, you know, just to keep the pretty, peaceful critters pretty and peaceful…somewhere else, maaannn.

What to tell Aydinn:

“Possession of a firearm is illegal for weed smokers. Maaaannn.”

“I’m going to post this on Instagram!”

3. Dan Bilzerian

For those out of the loop, Dan Bilzerian is an “Instagram influencer” who got all the way through the Navy Seals’ BUDS training before he washed out. There’s no shame in that; BUDS training is quite possibly the most physically and mentally difficult military program out there. It’s what he washed out for: being unsafe on the shooting range. He is now, basically, famous for being famous…which is a pretty sweet gig, but it’s not sweet enough for Bilzerian. When the Las Vegas mass shooting begun, he decided he was going to try and commandeer a responding law enforcement officer’s firearm. Better still, he decided to record the exchange. Luckily, I don’t have to tell you what to tell Dan Bilzerian, because the LEO in question did it for me: