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My Can’t-Fail Plan to End Mass Shootings Forever



Like that, only…more so.

It’s simple, it costs nothing, and it’ll work better than what we’re doing now. Hear me out…

What’s always struck me the hardest after each headline-grabbing mass shooting is that murder of this type really seems to be the only kind of crime in which the public’s reaction is to blame all of the people who didn’t do it. I used to think that it was just human nature–we all need some outlet for our anger and grief, and it used to be that mass shooters were rarely taken alive. So people had nobody to turn their anger on, and that’s why law-abiding gun owners and the organizations that represent us wound up catching the brunt of society’s rage. I don’t believe that anymore, especially because more and more of the mass shooters seem determined to stick around to watch the aftermath of their crimes. Even when they don’t, they’re more and more likely to leave manifestos explaining why they did what they did.

And the 24-hour news cycle eats it up like my ex-wife with a gallon tub of Dippin’ Dots. While that’s happening, we’re all subjected to endless pictures of the murderers, interviews with their neighbors, dramatic readings of their writings…and are thus made unwitting accomplices to their crimes. Because no matter what these people say was their motive, they all basically have the same underlying desire: They want attention. So here’s my fail-safe, fool-proof plan to end mass shootings: Let’s give them what they want. Good and hard.

Mass Shooters Now Get Nicknames Like Hurricanes, Only Way Dorkier

Even 20 years after the massacre, everyone still knows the Columbine murderers’ names. This simply will not do. I propose that we institute a system in which each new mass shooter gets a nickname, much like a hurricane. Unlike a hurricane, however, these nicknames should be torn straight from 3rd-grade recess: “Booger Stache.” “Fartbubble Biter.” “Skidmark von Dickcheese.” It’s kind of hard to cast yourself as a countercultural hero when nobody knows you as anything besides “Bicycle Seat Sniffer” anymore.

Mass Shooters In Prison Get Their Own Radio Show

They killed a bunch of innocent people because their mommy didn’t love them or Susie turned them down for Homecoming. Let’s let them tell us all about it from prison, where they will have a microphone in their cell going 24/7. There’s just a couple of small twists. First, their voices will be digitally altered to sound like the Squidbillies cousin nobody talks about. And second, they’ll never know when they’re being broadcast. Will viewers be treated to their angry ranting about how Susie had it coming for saying “no”? Or will we all get to listen to them grunting one out on the khazi? Who knows? Maybe they should have thought a little harder about other ways to be famous.

Mass Shooters Get Their Portraits Professionally Done

It’s a problem for the news media: They have to use some sort of image to illustrate their article or TV segment. But broadcasting the face of a mass shooter is really too much like the kind of attention the shooters want, so it’s a no-go in my book. Instead, let’s arrange for that political-cartoon guy who draws Trump like an animated sphincter with mange (so, all of them) to throw together a nice, professional-looking portrait for the mass shooter. Preferably complete with the nickname. This should be the only image anyone ever uses for the shooter, ever again. If their court appearances are televised, the caricature should be superimposed over their face (and the Squidbilly voice substituted in as well).

None of this is about punishing the individual mass shooters; we have a justice system for that. This is about making sure that any wannabes get the message loud and clear: Do it, and not only do you face life in prison or the death penalty, you’ll also go out as a complete and total joke. And not even a good one.


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