BREAKING: ATF Director Dettelbach Resigns (Before Trump Can Fire Him)

Don’t let the doorknob hit ya, Stevie-Boy.

Steve Dettelbach, the current director of the ATF, has announced that he will resign effective January 18, two days before Donald Trump is sworn into office. His resignation letter, dated December 20, hit the news on December 30. This wasn’t a mistake; it’s common practice to “dump” news that you’d like people to ignore right before a big holiday, when you can expect people to be doing real-life stuff instead of gluing themselves to the 24-hour newsfeed.

If you can’t read that, don’t worry. Here’s the text of that resignation letter, which is written in Bureaucrat. Beneath it, you will find the English translation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. President,

Pursuant to the Memorandum for Presidential Appointees on guidance on Letters of Resignation dated December 18, 2024, I hereby tender my resignation as Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), effective as of January 18, 2025.

It was the honor of my professional career to serve at ATF in your Administration. As you said when nominating me to be ATF Director, “The mission of this agency isn’t controversial. It’s public safety.” I have now seen the brave and talented people at ATF live out your words for years. And we have realized results.

Under your leadership, and that of the Attorney General and the Deputy Attorney General, we met head on the challenge of a historic spike in violent crime coming out of the pandemic. As I leave ATF, the country has experienced two years of historic decreases in the violent crime rates, including drops in firearms related crime. That progress did not occur by accident. The heroic, talented and hard-working people at ATF, along with our many partners, fought hard and risked everything to gain that ground. And Americans are better off for it.

Thank you for the privilege of calling the men and women of ATF my colleagues and calling you my President.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ready for the translation? Here it is!

Dear Dr. Jill Biden,

I’m such a bureaucrat that I can’t even quit without citing a federal statute. I salute whichever unelected bureaucrat wrote that statute, because that’s who has been in charge this whole time. I’m out of here before Donald Trump can be sworn in, so I’m going to make that January 18 just so I can get my visas and passports in order. Time for a nice long vacation somewhere extradition is extremely difficult. (Diddy who?)

It was the honor of my professional career to have innocent Americans murdered by my field agents. As you said when nominating me too be ATF Director, “Guess what, Jack? Come on, man. Ice cream doesn’t have bones. We defeated … Medicare.” I have now seen the brave and talented people at ATF live out your words for years. And we have realized results. We shot so many dogs. So, so many dogs.

Under your leadership, we managed to get violent crime rates so high that some cities simply stopped counting certain crimes in their reporting. We couldn’t have done it without our friends at the FBI and the mainstream media, but I’m proud to say that as I leave ATF, I made everything worse for everyone. That “progress” did not occur by accident.

In fact, the heroic, talented, and hard-working people at ATF absolutely did plan to reclassify what is and is not a gun. We fought hard and risked everything to run America into the ground. And our Chinese overlords are better off for it.

Thank you for the privilege of letting me wipe my butt with the Second, Fourth, and the Twenty-First Amendments!

Love and Kisses,

Steve Dettelbach

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~