Today, we have a guest column from our resident gun-control expert Ima Nidiot, personal-odor trainer and vagina-hat knitting queen. Take it away, Ima!
Hello to all you deplorable gun-rights troglodytes! Ima Nidiot here to educate you about how your intellectual betters have determined you’ll be exercising your so-called “Second Amendment ‘rights.’” (Swear to Caitlyn Jenner, there just aren’t enough scare quotes in the world for that one!) I spend all day every day thinking hard about this issue, which always somehow results in my smoke alarm going off, so it’s only fair that you reward my bravery and sacrifice by instantly agreeing to everything I want. In all fairness, I should warn you that my logic will be completely devastating to your tiny caveman brains, so you might wanna get a nice pile of pink knitted vagina hats to collapse into! So, with no further ado, here are three totally brilliant gun-control schemes that will usher in a new Utopia free of violence, crimethink, and deodorant.
1: Ammunition Control
So, I got this great idea while I was watching a Chris Rock stand-up special. It was so brilliant and original that I rushed to Twitter and wrote: “Fine, cling to your guns—we’ll just make ammunition hard to buy!” After all, guns can’t work without ammunition. So we’ll just make sure you have to show your ID , we’ll limit how much you can buy at once, and we’ll outlaw various calibers and bullet construction types depending on whether they made us change our Depends when we saw pictures of them. It’s brilliant, because there is no way for gun owners to make or recycle their own ammunition.
2: Age Restrictions
My second awesome idea is a little concept that has worked perfectly to stop adults under the age of 21 from drinking alcohol: Age-restricting gun sales! Genius, I know. All we need to do is to tell 18-year-olds that there’s one more thing they’re not allowed to do even though they’re old enough to vote. (Ooh, I just had another idea there—let’s lower the voting age to 14. Yesterday, they ate Tide Pods; today they hold the wisdom to direct this country to a new era of peace and freedom!) That’s because passing laws means that everyone will automatically obey them, including people who are totally willing to commit murder. And if you don’t believe me, I have some pictures of crying children that will prove you wrong.
3: Storage Requirements
Now this one is pure genius, and you’ll agree if you know what’s good for you. Fine, you can have all the guns you want—as long as you store them disassembled, separate from the ammunition you spent your life savings to buy, and using a special Ima Nidiot-approved biometric lock that only opens for your thumbprint or retinal pattern. In the event of a midnight home invasion, expecting a homeowner to unlock their safe, reassemble their gun, then go to their other safe, unlock it, and then load their guns is perfectly sensible. And there’s just no way that the same technology that refuses to unlock my smartphone when my thumb is sweaty, I don’t touch it just right, or Venus is in retrograde would ever fail at the worst possible time. Plus, if we enact these reasonable gun-control laws, that will give law enforcement plenty to do to fill up their boring days. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the police could just come and demand entry to your home to verify that you’re storing your guns the Ima Nidiot way?
I have lots more terrific ideas to end gun crime forever, but my smoke alarm is going off again and my vagina hat just caught fire. Ima Nidiot, signing off (for now)!
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