007Swalwell: The Spy Who Unholstered Me

If you want Fang Fang, you ban all the bang-bang.

So it seems that anti-gun Representative Eric Swalwell has been caught with a Chinese spy.

Have you ever wondered just what it might take to turn an otherwise normal-seeming person into an anti-gunner? We now have an excellent example courtesy of would-be gun-banner Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif.), whom you may remember as the guy who thinks it would be okay to nuke American citizens who don’t comply with a theoretical gun ban. As it turns out, Representative Eric Swalwell has been having a very interesting relationship with a gorgeous young Chinese spy nicknamed Fang Fang. (Yes.)

On a completely unrelated note, we here at Freedom’s Lodge recently received a private social-media note from a gorgeous young East Asian woman nicknamed “Bang Bang.” It seems she’s been having a rocky relationship with a doughty American by the name of Eric Swallows…let’s see if we can’t help her figure things out!

Dear Mo Rockwell,

I never thought it could happen to me, but as a stunningly attractive East Asian woman who represents a powerful totalitarian government, it’s my job to pour the punch at anti-gun fundraisers. I guess it was just a matter of time before I ladled Kool-Aid into the glass of an impressionable young gun-banner named Eric Swallows.

“Hey Bang Bang,” he said, “Wanna go nuke some American citizens?” And just like that, I was hooked! There’s nothing that gets my motor running like an elected official willing to murder his own citizens by the millions. Gives me those “Great Leap Forward” shivers.

“If you want to spend some time with Bang Bang,” I smiled, “You’ve got to get rid of everything that goes ‘bang bang.'” Thus began our romance!

At first, everything was great. California really reminds me of home–plenty of thought police, lots of groupthink, and not too many guns. It was really starting to look like I could bring a few million of my nearest and dearest over to say “hello America” soon. But then…my sweet Swallows swallowed one down the wrong tube.

My dear Swallows choked. There it was, right there for the whole world to see…an elected American official threatening to bomb his own citizens. Now, in China we know that this is just how the government shows its love. But you crazy Americans somehow think you’re better than that, ugh.

Our love persisted, though. I knew he could recover from that little faux pas. All he needed was lots of encouragement, lots of Chinese money, and lots of Bang-Bang. And did I ever make sure he got all three! In fact, I got very cozy with his whole family, just like my government is with so many anti-gun American leaders.

But Mo, then the news came out that Representative Eric Swalwell was having an intimate relationship with a Chinese spy named Fang Fang. Now everyone thinks that my poor dear Eric Swallows and his lovely Bang Bang (me) were doing something treasonous to the Second Amendment. They don’t understand that it won’t be “treason” anymore once we take over! Now I’m on the run back to my home country, and I don’t know what to do. Help me, Mo!

Signed,

The Spy Who Bang-Banged Me

Well, Bang-Bang, sorry (not sorry) to hear that.

Maybe you should just go back to filling up the comment sections of every pro-gun website and social-media page with concern trolling and falsified news like before? I don’t know. And do something about those split ends.

Love and other indoor sports,

Mo Rockwell