4 Guns I Promise Not to Grab, by Ima Nidiot

But what about BWANIIs?

Ima is a gun-grabbing guest contributor to Freedom’s Lodge, and a friend of our regular columnist Trace Munson. She occasionally gives us insight from the anti-gun side of the aisle, in an effort to help bring us all together (and maybe have a laugh or two).

It’s recently come to my attention that there are people out there who call me and folks like me “gun grabbers.” The sheer unmitigated gall of them to act as if I want to take their guns away—that’s just asinine, and I’m even more offended than usual! All I’m asking for are some simple, common-sense safety laws that won’t be the slightest inconvenience or infringe on your precious “right” to own one. I’m sure you’ll agree as soon as you see this itty-bitty list of guns that just aren’t the sort of thing a sensible person should be allowed to have. In short, no, dummy, I don’t want to take your guns away. Just these four:

1) AR-15s

As the German Army proved, you can easily swap out your AR’s with broomsticks for training exercises. | Photo courtesy of Mabel Amber

The key reason for why I want to take this gun away from you is right in the name. That “AR” stands for Assault Rifle, this I know, for Dianne Feinstein tells me so! Their only possible use is for assaulting people, so that’s why they’re named that. These terrifying Murder Machines look like the guns soldiers carry into battle, and of course we all know that only soldiers and law enforcement are qualified enough for a thing like that. (See, here are some professional soldiers displaying their mastery). I am a bit peeved that one of them seems to have stolen my ride to work, though.

2) Guns That Are Too Big

Won’t you feel relieved when you don’t have to carry around a huge gun?

Every so often I hear someone on the news say “high-powered rifle,” and I have to buy new underwear every time, which is getting super expensive. I don’t really know what “high-powered” means, but I know for a fact that you don’t need one to hunt deer! Not that you should be hunting deer anyway—meat comes from the store, not endangered animals like whitetail deer. So those will just have to go!

3) Guns That Are Too Small

Who is comfortable showing up to a party with something undersized anyway? | Photo courtesy of sub35089

Guns that are too small are called “pocket rockets” because if you put one in your pocket, it’ll rocket you right into wanton, wholesale murder, and that’s a scientific fact. It’s sort of like homeopathy: The smaller the gun, the stronger its influence over your mind. Also, small guns seem like maybe they’re for women to use, and I think you already know how I feel about that.

4) Guns That Are Too Cheap

What is so special about cheap guns? | Photo courtesy of DanMP5

Cheap guns are called “Saturday Night Specials,” because people buy them on Saturday nights and then use them for murder and mayhem. That’s why I want to take them away, and not because I’m worried that The Poors might get the idea that they have the same rights I do. And it most certainly isn’t because the history of Common Sense Gun Control ™ began with outlawing inexpensive guns specifically to keep them out of the hands of freed slaves. Too bad, so sad—no more bargain guns for you!

See? I don’t want to take away your guns, and the fact that you keep saying so is proof that you’re paranoid and antisocial and probably shouldn’t be allowed to own one. Now that we’ve cleared that up: Mr. and Mrs. America, turn them all in!