Revolutionary! Indiana Felon Pioneers IBB Carry

Inside-the-waistband carry is now officially old and busted! Meet the new hotness: IBB.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, but I say that desperation is its sneaky, late-night stepfather. One such revolution just took place in the world of concealed carry, and the man who conceived this invention did so in the space of three innovative minutes. For now, his name languishes on a court docket, but one day he’ll be remembered alongside gun geniuses like John Moses Browning and Samuel Colt. Get ready for the next level of deep concealment: Inside the Booty Bunker (IBB).

According to the New York Post, it all started with a simple traffic stop. Our unsung hero, Christopher Boyd, was the passenger in a car with an obscured license plate. The article doesn’t explain how the encounter escalated, but we know that it did because Boyd was eventually patted down. In that pat-down, the police found a bag of narcotic pills in his sock, and another bag of cannabis stashed behind his family jewels. This was more than enough to take him downtown for at least an evening. Butt …

“After being taken into custody, officials noticed he was ‘walking with a limp and appeared to be clenching his buttocks when he walked,’ the police report said.”

Yawn. Call me when you can rack the slide and run a Mozambique drill.

We can ass-ume that, at this point, law enforcement kindly provided the young man with a vigorous prostate exam courtesy of the hairiest-knuckled nurse they could find. We can be certain that Boyd’s deep concealment method resisted this attempt, because it took an X-ray to reveal that he was concealed-carrying a firearm in his prison wallet.

You know you want to know. Yes, you do.

According to the Post:

 “… a strip search revealed that Boyd had a Smith & Wesson Bodyguard stuffed in his rectum, the outlet said. The Bodyguard is a .380-caliber gun that weighs less than a pound and is about 5 inches long, according to the manufacturer, which bills the $400 piece as ‘lightweight’ and ‘easy to carry’.”

Did Boyd take the “Bodyguard” part of that poor S&W’s name too literally? Maybe, maybe not, but we are now all ass-ured that Smith is telling the truth about its ease of carry. Upon examination of the pistol, we can see that its tapered front sight has been rounded off a bit. It’s unlikely that S&W’s engineers had ease of insertion in mind when they made that design choice, butt no doubt Boyd’s stinkwrinkle breathed a sigh of relief. (And corn.) Continues the Post:

“It was unclear from the police report if the gun was loaded when it was lodged in his anus.” 

As a gun guy, I’d like to ass-ure the Post that the pistol was loaded at the time of the stop, and it probably went into Boyd’s fart chapel in the same condition. The real question is how he managed to get the gun into his turd trumpet in the space of two or three minutes. Let’s look at the specs for the Bodyguard, because of course the New York Post spent their ink talking about how long the gun is. That’s the wrong measurement. What we need to know is its height and girth (uh, width).

The Smith & Wesson Bootyguard is only .75″ wide, but it’s 4″ high. Four inches that cannot be compressed or angled in any way. How on earth did Boyd’s tater-hole make room? Well, the Post has that answer too, right in the headline: “ex-con.” Boyd’s chocolate starfish was already broken in like a well-loved chest rig.

This leads us to more questions: Had Boyd practiced any draw-from-concealment drills? What would happen if he were to cough mid-draw? We have to imagine that would put a whole new spin on “accidental discharge.” Does Boyd prefer the grips with the stippling or without? And finally, we’d like to know, how is Boyd’s crusty bubbler doing these days? The article only tells us that “The suspect was charged with an array of felony drug, gun and trafficking charges and was being held at Vanderburgh County Jail without bond.”

Someday, this unsung genius’ balloon-knot holster idea will reside in the anals of firearms innovation. Until then, we wish his chocolate starfish all the best in health and healing!