Anti-2A Bloomberg Has to Buy His Memes; Let’s Give Him Some for Free

In one of the most hilarious developments we’ve seen since Biden offered the nation’s women a self-defense lesson, it’s recently come to light that anti-gun leading light and presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has to pay people to say they like him. No, really; he’s paying social-media influencers to post pro-Bloomie memes…just like that one obnoxious tattletale fat kid we all knew growing up whose birthday parties were stocked entirely by kids who had been bribed to be there. It would really be sad if it weren’t so hilarious, but the fact remains that fairness is very important to our political process. That’s why, today, I’ve prepared five memes as a gift for Bloomie’s election campaign.

Remember when the first gun-control laws in the nation were enacted on behalf of the KKK? Mike Bloomberg remembers.

So far, one of the biggest stumbling blocks for Bloomie is the fact that, as mayor of New York City, he enthusiastically enforced “stop and frisk” policies to find “illegal guns” that disproportionately targeted minorities (the vast majority of whom were innocent). One week before he announced his presidential candidacy, he offered a tepid apology–which he has since walked back and then forward a few times–but we think it’s important that the memes go on.

Racism and misogyny: two sh*tty tastes that taste sh*tty together!

Did you know that, back in the dark days of slavery, it was common to force an enslaved woman of color to serve as a wet nurse for the Caucasian children of the family that (ugh) “owned” her? Did you know that at least one woman who used to work for Bloomberg before he became a “public servant” was told to do the same thing in order to keep her job? Well, now you do, and there’s a meme above to commemorate Bloomberg’s exact quote to her! I think it’ll play really well on Instagram, don’t you?

Yes, yes, it’s the NRA–the organization founded by Ulysses S Grant–that’s racist. Umm-hmm.

What I love about this quote is that it’s what he said immediately after he was confronted about his “stop-and-frisk” policies. It’s a real treat for any connoisseur of political chutzpah. The insincere, brief apology, followed by a blame-shift and a switch to the passive voice, all in one sentence? It’s a thing of beauty.

And by “average citizen,” he means “someone who can’t afford a team of armed security like I can.”

The above would just be ordinary, run-of-the-mill anti-gun blather if it weren’t for one thing: Bloomberg said that immediately after an armed citizen saved countless lives during what would have been a mass shooting at a Texas church. The man actually tried to gaslight America into thinking that the thing they just saw (a good guy with a gun defeating a bad guy with a gun) didn’t happen, couldn’t have happened, and also we’ve always been at war with Eastasia.

That’s four out of five memes, so there’s only one left. Unlike all of the above memes, this one isn’t a direct quote right from Mike Bloomberg’s gun-grabbing mouth. In fact, this one’s based on a rumor–the rumor that Bloomberg is seeking out Hillary Clinton as his running mate. I’ll believe it when I see it, but in the meantime, let’s speculate on why he wants to be the only human being standing in between Hillary and the Oval Office…

Don’t worry, Mikey. It’ll look like an accident.