In a tremendous coup for Freedom’s Lodge, we’ve secured an exclusive interview with Dog Face Pony Soldier–whom, up until now, has been a figure shrouded in mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and dipped into a cold, creamy cup of WTF. When the world was introduced to Dog Face Pony Soldier, pundits everywhere were confused…who is Dog Face Pony Soldier, and why haven’t we heard of him before? As we’re learning, Dog Face Pony Soldier is a critical member of Joe Biden‘s election 2020 team–and today, he’s breaking his silence on Biden’s strategy for the Democratic primaries, Biden’s true feelings on the Second Amendment, and so much more. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Freedom’s Lodge: Up until now, you’ve been little more than a rumor. Some even doubted your existence. Who are you?
Dog Face Pony Soldier: I’m actually Joe Biden’s oldest and most trusted friend. We’ve been like peas and carrots since he fished me out of a canister of little toy soldiers and gave me my name. My real name is “Cavalry Soldier #110,” but Little Joey had just watched a movie about World War II and had learned that American G.I.s were sometimes nicknamed “Dogfaces.” That made him giggle, and he particularly liked me because I had a horsie to ride–and no gun. So I became “Dog Face Pony Soldier”–Pony for short.
FL: How did you turn from an imaginary friend into Biden’s most trusted advisor?
Pony: I wasn’t just an imaginary friend, FL, although that’s what Little Joey’s parents thought I was. The truth is that Little Joey came to trust me, with my blunt saber and my cute horsie, and he sort of invited me into his head to be one of the voices that live there 24/7. At the time, I had plenty of other head-voices to keep me from getting lonely: There was Mr. Dumptruck (he liked to get Joe to smash things), Missus Honey Pie (she wasn’t anatomically correct, but Joey could pretend!), Mr. Crayon (named for Joey’s favorite snack), and so many more.
But over the years, Little Joey grew up and discovered that beer could be delivered into one’s mouth via helmet. The brain cells that hosted all of Joey’s other headmates slowly began to die off. Lucky for me, with my military training, I sought cover behind the medulla and so far it’s working.
FL: So, if you’re a voice in Biden’s head, which voice are you?
Pony: Well, I’m the Voice of Reason. It’s a lonely job, but someone has to do it.
FL: Pony, we hate to be rude (wait, no we don’t)–but where in the hell have you been?
Pony: Look, I’m all by myself in here, haven’t you noticed? When Biden said, “You give me a nine millimeter Glock, and you have a thirty-eight revolver, I’ll kill more people quickly in here. You’d shoot as many, but I’ll kill more,” I was busy reminding him which shoe goes on which foot. When he said, “Former Vice President Joe Biden admitted that the “Second Amendment exists” but stressed during his speech in New Hampshire on Tuesday that it does not say everyone is “entitled” to own a gun,” I had my hands full trying to keep him from getting his hands full of the nice lady who introduced him to the crowd.
FL: We’re sure she’s grateful for your service, Pony, but we’re still very curious about the way Joe introduced you to the world on February 10. Why did he accuse a random voter of being you–and of lying?
Pony: He just got confused; he thought I was talking to him when in fact it was that lady in the audience asking him how he planned to surmount his fourth-place finish in the Iowa caucus. Don’t be too hard on him; it was an easy mistake to make, especially given that I had just gotten done asking him the very same thing.
FL: Would you kindly explain to the law-abiding gun owners of America what Biden meant by this quote?
“Those who say ‘The tree of liberty is watered with the blood of patriots,’ a great line, well, guess what? The fact is, if you’re going to take on the government, you need an F-15 with Hellfire missiles,” the former vice president said during a New Hampshire campaign rally on Sunday. “There is no way an AK-47 is going to take care of you.”
Pony: Look, I’m going to level with you. Yes, Little Joey is terrified of guns and has been since he accidentally stepped on one of my platoon late one night and got an owie in his foot. Yes, Little Joey doesn’t really understand how they work or why anybody would want one–he doesn’t get that most people can’t afford a team of armed security people. And yes, Little Joey is getting tired and…well, a little confused. I think it’s time for him to step out of the race, so I had him pull what I like to call a Swalwell.
It’s a way to pull the emergency brake on a campaign gone awry. Just threaten to murder millions of law-abiding citizens if they don’t immediately surrender their Second Amendment rights, and all of a sudden everyone’s okay with you dropping out of the race to “spend more time with your family.”
FL: That’s actually the first time Biden has made sense in a long time. You really ARE the Voice of Reason in his head, aren’t you? What’s next for you?
Pony: I don’t know. I’m thinking road trip, possibly with beer helmets and a live raccoon we’ll name Bitey.
Freedom’s Lodge: That’s it, readers! What are your guesses for the future of Biden and his best buddy Dog Face Pony Soldier? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.