In a tremendous coup for Freedom’s Lodge, we’ve secured an exclusive interview with Dog Face Pony Soldier–whom, up until now, has been a figure shrouded in mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and dipped into a cold, creamy cup of WTF. When the world was introduced to Dog Face Pony Soldier, pundits everywhere were confused…who is Dog Face Pony Soldier, and why haven’t we heard of him before? As we’re learning, Dog Face Pony Soldier is a critical member of Joe Biden‘s election 2020 team–and today, he’s breaking his silence on Biden’s strategy for the Democratic primaries, Biden’s true feelings on the Second Amendment, and so much more. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Freedom’s Lodge: Up until now, you’ve been little more than a rumor. Some even doubted your existence. Who are you?
Dog Face Pony Soldier: I’m actually Joe Biden’s oldest and most trusted friend. We’ve been like peas and carrots since he fished me out of a canister of little toy soldiers and gave me my name. My real name is “Cavalry Soldier #110,” but Little Joey had just watched a movie about World War II and had learned that American G.I.s were sometimes nicknamed “Dogfaces.” That made him giggle, and he particularly liked me because I had a horsie to ride–and no gun. So I became “Dog Face Pony Soldier”–Pony for short.
FL: How did you turn from an imaginary friend into Biden’s most trusted advisor?
Pony: I wasn’t just an imaginary friend, FL, although that’s what Little Joey’s parents thought I was. The truth is that Little Joey came to trust me, with my blunt saber and my cute horsie, and he sort of invited me into his head to be one of the voices that live there 24/7. At the time, I had plenty of other head-voices to keep me from getting lonely: There was Mr. Dumptruck (he liked to get Joe to smash things), Missus Honey Pie (she wasn’t anatomically correct, but Joey could pretend!), Mr. Crayon (named for Joey’s favorite snack), and so many more.
But over the years, Little Joey grew up and discovered that beer could be delivered into one’s mouth via helmet. The brain cells that hosted all of Joey’s other headmates slowly began to die off. Lucky for me, with my military training, I sought cover behind the medulla and so far it’s working.
FL: So, if you’re a voice in Biden’s head, which voice are you?
Pony: Well, I’m the Voice of Reason. It’s a lonely job, but someone has to do it.
FL: Pony, we hate to be rude (wait, no we don’t)–but where in the hell have you been?
Pony: Look, I’m all by myself in here, haven’t you noticed? When Biden said, “You give me a nine millimeter Glock, and you have a thirty-eight revolver, I’ll kill more people quickly in here. You’d shoot as many, but I’ll kill more,” I was busy reminding him which shoe goes on which foot. When he said, “Former Vice President Joe Biden admitted that the “Second Amendment exists” but stressed during his speech in New Hampshire on Tuesday that it does not say everyone is “entitled” to own a gun,” I had my hands full trying to keep him from getting his hands full of the nice lady who introduced him to the crowd.
FL: We’re sure she’s grateful for your service, Pony, but we’re still very curious about the way Joe introduced you to the world on February 10. Why did he accuse a random voter of being you–and of lying?
Pony: He just got confused; he thought I was talking to him when in fact it was that lady in the audience asking him how he planned to surmount his fourth-place finish in the Iowa caucus. Don’t be too hard on him; it was an easy mistake to make, especially given that I had just gotten done asking him the very same thing.
FL: Would you kindly explain to the law-abiding gun owners of America what Biden meant by this quote?
“Those who say ‘The tree of liberty is watered with the blood of patriots,’ a great line, well, guess what? The fact is, if you’re going to take on the government, you need an F-15 with Hellfire missiles,” the former vice president said during a New Hampshire campaign rally on Sunday. “There is no way an AK-47 is going to take care of you.”
Pony: Look, I’m going to level with you. Yes, Little Joey is terrified of guns and has been since he accidentally stepped on one of my platoon late one night and got an owie in his foot. Yes, Little Joey doesn’t really understand how they work or why anybody would want one–he doesn’t get that most people can’t afford a team of armed security people. And yes, Little Joey is getting tired and…well, a little confused. I think it’s time for him to step out of the race, so I had him pull what I like to call a Swalwell.
It’s a way to pull the emergency brake on a campaign gone awry. Just threaten to murder millions of law-abiding citizens if they don’t immediately surrender their Second Amendment rights, and all of a sudden everyone’s okay with you dropping out of the race to “spend more time with your family.”
FL: That’s actually the first time Biden has made sense in a long time. You really ARE the Voice of Reason in his head, aren’t you? What’s next for you?
Pony: I don’t know. I’m thinking road trip, possibly with beer helmets and a live raccoon we’ll name Bitey.
Freedom’s Lodge: That’s it, readers! What are your guesses for the future of Biden and his best buddy Dog Face Pony Soldier? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.
Chris says
I think he should stay in the race all the way to the end. The more confused they are the better it is for us conservative Republicans. Heck when he doesn’t win the nomination he should file a lawsuit against the DNC or maybe run as an independent or something. Maybe he and Bernie can team up and form a DOWG party (dumb old white guys).
Patriot1 says
Old Joe is starting to realize no one wants him. Those voices he hears are his own mind warping. No more ladies to impolitely sniff. Mister touchy feely’s career is sadly collapsing in on him. As far as his comments about our military being used against U.S citizens is partially correct in that they will confiscate the assets of Old Joey and his cohorts. Interment camps for the Communist scum, like old Joey.
lol timmy says
I could be wrong, but weren’t pony soldiers Native Americans hired by the army to hunt their fellow Native Americans. So following creepy Joe’s “logic”. He views Native Americans as liars with the heart of a dog. Was the reporter a Native American or Elizabeth Warren?
Say it ain’t so Joe.
L. Shamus McQuade says
Biden was born a DUMB BASTARD and will DIE a DUMB BASTARD. The unfortuante thing here is that HE like ALL DemoRATS fall into this catagory….Where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best the DEMORATS can do folks. This is what they have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here…like the majority of the country who continues to vote for these jerk offs
Jim says
Poor little Joey STILL doesn’t understand that the only reason Obama chose him to be his Vice-President was for security reasons. Nobody was going to assassinate Obama knowing that Biden would then become President!
BigMikeU says
dont hold your breath on the JUSTICE that we all were PROMISED! As i see it the left will be the ones causing the next Civil War and all of them act like its no big problem…..like our Military and law enforcement will do their bidding?What i know is that if American gun owners ever get their shit together and form up and all walk out their front doors armed one day we would be the largest standing army in the world! As long as people like Swalwell dont have control of our nukes they are doomed!There will be a rifle behind every blade of grass as one famous Japanese General stated during WWII when the Emperor asked him how the best way to invade the U.S. mainland was?We all know all gun owners ,own more then one gun and in most cases buy a new one or two every year!I myself have averaged two too three firearms per year since i have gotten into the hobby just about 7yrs ago!I purchased a 14gun gun cabinet and plain to fill it! I know i will never submit to the tyranny our Left wing is pushing on us and would rather die on my feet then live on my knees! People say the right dosnt have the guts to stand up against the politicians and yet here i stand ready to fight back,but no man is an island! Soon people across this nation will have had “enough” and do something and people like Biden and Swalwell will see their JUSTICE coming at them at high speed!!!% But the legal JUSTICE we were PROMISED will never happen as long as Trump wants to live!We all know what they did too JFK as Bush Sr. was a part of that assassination!Now we see all and nobody is seeing the JUSTICE we were PROMISED! WE THE PEOPLE deserve that JUSTICE!!!
Beartoe says
He’s not lucid enough to remember which state he’s in MEMOIRS?bwahahahaha!!!!
Charles T Byers Jr says
Lying joe biden is as bad if not worse than the whole bunch of dumbcrats.
Karl Driskel says
I think this person should be locked up until his pony solder is taken care of. He has NO caption as to what the President is????
RJWEBER says
Uncle Joe should have quit after Vice President between his corruption that is finally coming to light likewise his’s the Apple didn’t fall far from the tree he had a model in uncle Joe soon a striped suit for these two thieves Hillary next
Izzy Sizzlechest says
Is Bitey going to write Biden’s memoirs, or Dog Face?