BREAKING: Canada Bans Black Rifle…Coffee?!

No, this wasn’t an ill-planned knee-jerk reaction, why would you say that?

This is what it looks like when Poe’s Law becomes a Real Law.

Grab a cup of joe, eh, and settle in, Freedom’s Lodge readers, because the Canadian anti-gunners have outdone themselves this time by banning Black Rifle Coffee (by name) from their shores. Yes, this really happened and no, it’s not a Trace Munson parody column.

You could be forgiven for thinking it was, since this is the most perfect illustration of Poe’s Law I’ve seen to date. If you’re not familiar,  “Poe’s law is an adage of Internet culture stating that, without a clear indicator of the author’s intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the views being parodied.” Eh?

So, what’s happened here is what always happens when your country has neither a Second Amendment, nor any actual adults in charge of legislation. A few weeks ago, the giant frozen gun-free zone that is Canada had a horrible tragedy. This horrible tragedy happened despite the fact that Canada has European-style “gun control” laws that severely limit what types of firearms Canadians can own, because–as we know here south of the border–criminals don’t care about gun laws. (It’s sort of baked into the definition of “criminal,” eh?) Then, as night follows day, the anti-gunners used that tragedy to pass a swath of knee-jerk, ill-planned, ignorant laws that banned things like…Black Rifle Coffee. Eh?

It’s Poe’s Law become a Real Law. Now, the adage is that it’s going to be impossible for me to exaggerate the anti-gun activities of our neighbors to the North in a way that won’t fool at least a few people into thinking I’m serious.

As a public service to Justin Trudeau and any other gun-grabbers out there, I would like to make a Modest Proposal. You may have just saved yourselves from the double-barrel 100-round clips of caffeine found in Black Rifle Coffee…but did you know that there are other dangers lurking around literally every Canadian corner and along the sides of the Only Road? Grab your crayons and your ban-hammer, Canada, because your work isn’t done yet!

Every home is rife with thousands of these deadly weapons!

My blood runs cold at the thought.

Canada, even your lunch isn’t safe!

Image courtesy https://isitasandwich.tumblr.com

If abandoning dental hygiene saves JUST ONE LIFE it’ll all be worth it, eh?

Introducing the fully automatic double-barrel clip toothbrush. MSRP $800, will be available in 2021.

Whew! We banned those horrid toothbrushes. Now we’re safe…

Oh no! Everyone’s breath is lethal now! Who could have foreseen this?

Do you, Freedom’s Lodge readers, have any ideas for more things that Canada ought to ban right now? You should probably post them in the comments to help Justin Trudeau make Canada truly safe. After all, he’s probably feeling a little sleepy and groggy right now without his coffee.