Coronavirus Crisis: In Which Anti-Gunners Decide They Want a Gun

Why don’t you put on your Levi’s and Toms shoes and head down to Dick’s for one?

As Covid-19 fears sweep the country faster than the illness could ever hope to, anti-gunners are out there buying guns. Let’s help them!

One of the best things about the mainstream media’s insistence on misrepresenting guns and gun laws is that, in times of crisis, many of the anti-gun populace will decide that there are things in their lives worth protecting with lethal force if necessary, and that the best way to do that is with a gun. It’s not the hypocrisy that’s so funny (we’re used to that); it’s watching them flail while they realize that the “facts” the media solemnly promised were true aren’t. Learning that no, you can’t just buy a gun off the internet…and yes, there are definitely more regulations around them than there are for teddy bears…and yes, we gun nuts were right all along.

That said, as delicious as the schadenfreude is, we as gun owners should realize that this could be a watershed moment for the Second Amendment. There’s really nothing like the experience of actually purchasing and learning to use a gun to persuade people that so much of what they’ve read about them is worth less than what comes out the Southbound end of a Northbound cow. So, in the interest of that uniquely American solidarity in times of crisis, I’m offering some very simple advice for the anti-gunners who have decided that the only moral gun is their gun. And I promise to try really, really hard not to laugh.

No, the gun cannot “go off by itself.”

Even the oldest firearms and long guns that don’t have drop-safety mechanisms simply cannot discharge of their own accord. It’s true that there are some guns–usually rifles and shotguns–that can accidentally discharge if you drop them on the butt while they’re loaded. Modern safety standards generally prevent this. We know that the media told you that gun manufacturers aren’t held to those safety standards, but they were lying. Just don’t drop the damn thing and you’ll be fine.

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No, that AR-15 does not have a full-auto switch.

Did you manage to get the very last AR-15 off the shelf at the gun dealer nearest you? Congratulations! You are now in possession of a rifle that can fire exactly one round for every trigger pull, just like the rifle your great-Grandpappy used to kill groundhogs at the farm. If you bought the most commonly available chambering–because of course you did–you’ll also get some great-Grandpappy nostalgia vibes because the .223 or 5.56mm ammunition it uses is just about as powerful as Grampy’s varmint gun. This isn’t the full-auto cannon you were promised, so stop looking down the barrel for the full-auto button and start trying to pay attention to where that muzzle is pointed, please and thank you.

No, you can’t use it to scare people away from your toilet paper hoard.

We know that you’ve been told by lots of people you trust–including the current front-runner for the Democratic nomination–that using your gun to “warn” people is the legal and morally correct thing to do. Here’s the actual truth: You are only allowed to use your gun if you are in immediate danger of death or grievous bodily injury. This is the truth when there isn’t a state of emergency, and it’s the truth now. Displaying your firearm in an attempt to scare someone off is called “brandishing,” and depending on the circumstances it can absolutely be a prosecutable crime. Firing “warning shots” means that you were not in immediate danger, or you would have fired at the actual threat. People can and do go to jail for that. (Unless they’re married to someone important.)

Do you have any advice to add for the anti-gunners currently hounding gun-store employees to FedEx them an AR across state lines? Add it in the comments–or share it on your socials and tell us what your friends say!