How to Not be Raided & Killed by ATF

Would you rather wake up a cockroach, a la The Metamorphosis, or to an ATF raid? Don’t answer yet…

By now, you’ve no doubt heard of Bryan Malinowski’s death at the hands of ATF during a no-knock early-morning raid.

If not, the short version of the tragic story is that, in March 2024, he and his wife awoke to the sounds of their door being broken down by ATF agents. Malinowski apparently didn’t understand that this home invasion had a warrant behind it, and he confronted what he thought were illegal intruders. He shot at them, and they shot back, killing him instantly. If you’d like to read exactly what happened, we suggest this article from the Second Amendment Foundation’s Investigative Journalism Project.

The Malinowski murder is an outrage, and because Malinowski was a prominent citizen in his community with zero criminal record, that outrage went national. Right now, as I write, there are Congressional hearings grilling the ATF head, Steve Dettelbach, about what ATF policies led to this. Dettelbach, for his turn, is simply refusing to answer those questions. This leaves us, the law-abiding gun owners of America, with no idea how to avoid Malinowski’s fate. So we’ll have to figure it out on our own based on the publicly available information about this raid, previous raids, and public social-media posts from ATF. Let’s go!

#1: Do not engage in practices that are perfectly legal right now, in case they become illegal later on.

The ATF’s known justification for raiding Malinowski’s home–the one they’ve admitted to publicly–is this (from the NRA-ILA article linked above):

… that he bought some 147 guns over a three-year period, that he resold an unknown number of them, and that nine subsequently wound up at the scenes of crimes or in the possession of prohibited people (including at least three undercover informants). None of the guns, however, was said to have been used against a person in a crime of violence.

Malinowski, who was widely known to his friends as an avid gun collector, purchased and sold some of these firearms privately. This was perfectly legal at the time he did it (and still is, given that ATF’s “engaged in the business” rule is both quite subjective and fungible, which is part of why it’s currently being challenged in court).

#2: Do not have a vengeful ex.

How about this lovely sentiment from the ATF on Valentine’s Day 2022? Per the article:

“Got an ex who buys or sells guns illegally?” the agency tweeted. “We would love to treat them to a Valentine’s Day surprise!” Underneath it includes a hotline, an email address, and website for revenge-minded former lovers who want to give the gift of government-sanctioned violence …

To be completely clear here: The ATF doesn’t respond to illegal gun sales with a polite knock on the door and questions. In January, for example, ATF agents swooped into Wilkes-Barre Township at the crack of dawn to raid a home, scaring the neighbors.

The ATF’s irresponsible message today encourages people to try to get their ex-lovers hit with SWAT raids, as when “pranksters” call police and falsely claim a violent crime is taking place at their target’s address, prompting officers to show up in force, weapons ready. In such cases, innocent people are terrorized—or worse. Cops killed a man in Wichita, Kansas, in 2017 when a caller pretended a hostage situation was underway.

#3: Do not live near, or have an address similar to, an actual criminal.

That’s because the ATF sometimes gets confused about which address to raid–you know, like happens sometimes with your pizza deliveries–and they just have to bust down the door of whatever address feels cute to them at the time. In this particular instance:

“Juan Alberto Castaneda Miranda [Freedom’s Lodge’s note: Yes, that is really his name, not someone’s nasty ironic joke] awoke to banging sounds. The 26-year-old was still in bed beside his girlfriend, unsure what was happening, when armored law enforcement agents burst into his Seattle-area apartment with their guns drawn. 

As an aside, if the ATF enters your home, they will shoot your dog as a matter of policy. This is the first time we’ve heard of them doing it to a cat, but it’s pretty clear that the ATF simply hates it when people have pets.

See? It’s easy to avoid a Kafka-esque nightmare scenario in which you wake up to discover that the full might of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms has been set to destroying you, your home, your family, your pets, and your life. After all, the unelected bureaucrats making new rules that we’re all expected to follow even if we don’t know what they are? They’re 100% accountable, all the time. Just read Steve Dettelbach’s defense of the Malinowski raid and the “engaged in the business” rule that helped spark it, and you’ll see:

“Dettelbach additionally refused to comment upon or explain the details of various controversial ATF rules, on the bases that the rules spoke for themselves, and ATF’s defense of them was well-documented in the many legal cases challenging them in various courts. He claimed his attempts to summarize, elaborate, or defend any of the rules could adversely affect those proceedings.”

How much more American can you get?

NOTE: This article contains your entire FDA-recommended daily allowance of sarcasm.