The Armed Tesla Driver: Five “Mostly Peaceful” Ideas

This graphic will never, ever get old.

Consider the Tesla owner’s dilemma: He’s gone from Virtuous Carbon-Neutral Energy Angel to Musk Demon overnight.

The problem with virtue signaling is that, sometimes, the noise outstrips the signal. That’s especially true if you’re a Leftist, because what is and is not considered okay in those circles can change by the hour. It’s one thing when you’re talking about a pronoun pin or Che t-shirt, because these virtuous signals can be switched out easily. But it’s quite another when you’re talking about something like a car. Sheryl Crow doesn’t have to worry about being upside-down on her car loan, but the rest of us do. We can’t just get rid of our cars because the guy who owns the company that makes them is now second only to the Bad Orange Man on the Left’s list of “ontologically evil” targets.

So what do you do when your Tesla–which just a few months ago was proof that you were a Good Person Who Cares About the Environment–now makes you Public Enemy Number One? What happens when you’re making monthly payments on a giant “KICK ME” sign? Well, Tesla drivers, we have five possible solutions.

1: Stay in safe areas.

This is going to be tough for a Leftist to hear, but there are some places and times where you just can’t drive your Tesla anymore. You’re going to need to keep it out of the farmer’s market parking lot, for starters. But there are places where you can be fairly certain that nobody’s going to try violence with you and vandalism against your vehicle, and that is rush-hour traffic. As long as you are either going towards, or heading home from, gainful employment, you will limit your exposure to the kinds of people who think firebombing someone else’s property is a good way to express political displeasure.

2: Boost your virtue signal.

Once upon a time, sailors used to tattoo Jesus across their backs in hopes that, should someone ever decide to punish them with a whipping, that the whip would lie lighter against the face of the Messiah. You can do the same! Of course, it can’t be an image of Jesus on the cross, don’t be silly! But there IS a sacred symbol that is absolutely holy to Leftists, and you can take advantage. That’s right, paint your car in a rainbow! The biggest, gayest rainbow you can find. As you no doubt know, doing burnouts on a sidewalk painting of a rainbow is a hate crime in California. So your average Musk Derangement Syndrome dumbass knows that if he so much as flips you the Rigid Digit, he too faces cancellation.

In fact, this may be the only way to ever get the California prosecutors to care about someone threatening you or damaging your property …

3: Wear a mask!

As all good Leftists know, wearing a paper mask protects you against literally everything. There’s no viral body capable of going around it, and furthermore, it proves to everyone around you that you’re still taking COVID very seriously. So, unless your Tesla has tinted windows, you need to be wearing a mask while you’re driving around by yourself so people can see how seriously you are taking COVID, and how much you dislike the Bad Orange Man.

But the mask can’t just be for you. Get yourself one of those “car bras” for the hood and headlight assembly of your Tesla, only instead of a spiffy vinyl, it should be a nice blue-and-white paper mask design. Now those would-be vehicular vandals will show you mercy, since you’ve thoughtfully protected them from emissions AND the sniffles.

4: Assault and BATTERY

Under normal conditions, a Tesla isn’t any more lethal than any other automobile its size. But when some crowd of able-bodied 25-year-olds decides they’re going to surround your car and start pounding on the hood, you know that you can’t simply drive away. In Lefty circles, trying to escape a mob with your car is the same as deliberately mowing them down. (No, they can’t stop surrounding your car and get out of the way! That’s crazy talk!)

There’s only one thing to do under those circumstances, and that is to torch the car’s battery. The key is to get out of there before Antifa figures out what you’ve done, because once that battery starts to burn, there’s very little that’s going to stop it. Go ahead and build a stone circle around it and put a plaque next to it, because you now have an Arlington Cemetery-worthy Eternal Flame.

5: Hood-mounted Ma Deuce

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t care about flying cars. I’m just fine living in a world where cars stay on the road; can you imagine trying to dodge traffic in three dimensions instead of two? What I’ve been dreaming of since I was a baby gunwriter was a hood-mounted grease gun. Personally, I envision a little toggle right next to the steering wheel, although I’m sure Musk’s army of genius designers could find something even cooler.

You may be thinking that lethal force, especially the type delivered via full-auto firearm, is a bit of overkill. That’s because you haven’t fully grasped the Tesla driver’s dilemma. By unwittingly allying himself with Elon Musk by buying a car a couple of years ago, he has publicly proclaimed himself to be worse than Hitler. As far as his former fellow travelers are concerned, there’s nothing he could do now that would be worse than driving that Tesla anyway.

What’s more, although this writer has never been interested in an electric car for practical reasons, a nice belt-fed .50 cal option on the trim might just change my mind. Make it happen, Elon …