3 Self-Defense Gun Considerations (That I’m Ignoring)

We troll not because it is easy, but because it is fun.

Maybe it’s because I’m more “Special Farces” than “Special Forces,” but…

If you spend enough time hanging out in Internet-based gun forums (fora?), sooner or later you’re going to see a very, very long thread debating something that seems a bit…obscure. A little unlikely. And slightly less interesting than the age-old question about how many angels could possibly dance on the head of a pin. Now, given the amount of heat and light that radiates from these threads you would think that the very future of self-defense hangs in the balance, but instead, it’s probably just one of the following three self-defense gun questions that I intend to continue ignoring…and it’s probably safe to say that you can, too. But just in case you find yourself accidentally embroiled in one of these conundrums (conundra?), here are some highly salient rejoinders that you can deploy in the great debate with all those master debaters.

1. “A weapon-mounted flashlight might let an intruder know where you are!”

Rejoinder 1: Oh, no, do you think the muzzle flash from when I shoot him might do that, too?

Rejoinder 2: Yes, and I’d sure hate for a home invader to know that his best chance is to turn tail and run before the flashlight beam finds him.

Rejoinder 3: No, I’m pretty sure the uncontrollable gas I get every time someone brings this question up will be what lets the intruder know where I am. He’ll be able to follow his nose to my location like Toucan Sam’s jailbird cousin. Also, what are the symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning? Because this debate has been going on for a while and it’s getting kind of thick in here and I’m starting to feel a little wooozzzlaskdjfdkls;.

2. “If you’re not carrying a .45, why are you even bothering?”

Rejoinder 1: You’re right; muggers are definitely going to carefully inspect the caliber stamped on my gun’s slide and continue attacking if the number doesn’t start with a 4.

Rejoinder 2: You’re right; I just went and checked the NRA’s Armed Citizen archives and nobody ever halted a criminal attack with a smaller caliber. Off I go to trade my useless .380 in!

Rejoinder 3: That’s not true. One time I was home when I realized a burglar was trying to break in and I took my .38+P out of my nightstand and just then the burglar walked in and he burst into laughter when he saw my gun. I told him that wasn’t very nice, on top of the breaking and entering and all, and that he had really hurt my feelings and he just kept laughing and then I started crying and he took a picture of me and posted it to Facebook with the caption “look at this doughnut, thinking I’m scared of his little .38,” and then I cried harder and the river of tears flowing from me suddenly lifted him off his feet with the force of a flash flood and sent him down the stairs and then right out the door in a rush of my salty, humiliated sorrow. So it kind of worked.

3. “Five-shot revolver? Are you crazy? Get a double-stack mag, ya commie!”

Rejoinder 1: Spoken like a man whose barn’s sides (broad and otherwise) will forever be safe from him.

Rejoinder 2: I figure as long as the roving gangs in which my mortal enemies move continue attacking me one at a time, instead of all at once, I should have plenty of time to reload.

Rejoinder 3: Oh, you must have read that new study! It was a decades-long double-blind study in which hundreds of thousands of armed defenders tracked each encounter they were able to stop–and the ones they weren’t–along with what kind of gun they used, what holster type, on-body or off-body, and (of course) magazine capacity. What was really very interesting about the study was it showed pretty clearly that in 1998, The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, who then plummeted 16 feet through an announcer’s table.

Some people might call such rejoinders trolling, but to them I say: U mad, bro?