David Hogg’s Latest Moneymaker: Illegal Suppressors

David Hogg may hate guns, but he loves the taste of pillows!

David “Attention” Hogg would like your pity, and your money. Since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, there really haven’t been any mass shootings for him to capitalize on. So what does a good anti-gunner do when he can’t get the bloody headlines he wants, and when 21 million new guns were just sold? Why, get into the illegal suppressor business, of course…and by that, we mean “Good Pillow,” Hogg’s new pillow company. He’s been chewing over pillows as the best way to muffle gunfire–as well as the occasional grunt–while hopefully making enough dough to pay his private armed security.

Why pillows? Groveled the Washington Post: For one, Sunday marks three years since the shooting that left 17 dead at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. Hogg and LeGate said in their statement that they plan to “put our heads down” for a “blackout period” out of respect for victims of the school shooting.

Of course, even WaPo’s fawning, obsequious coverage couldn’t omit the fact that their prize piggie is actually just angry that a Trump supporter has made millions of dollars with his own pillow company, My Pillow, and would like to make his own millions. (Preferably without having to come up with any ideas of his own or do any work besides “field testing” the product for comfort and chewiness.) But has Hogg considered that there are millions of people who simply can’t be trusted to use his pillows responsibly?

Fact is, David Hogg must be aware that “Good Pillow” is an illegal suppressor business. Suppressors are covered by the 1934 National Firearms Act, and in order to own one legally you need to go through a variety of background checks, get permission from the ATF, and pay a $200 tax stamp. David Hogg’s Good Pillow company is a shocking loophole in the laws…one we must close immediately! Here’s why: Not only can you use a pillow to make a gunshot a little bit quieter, you can also use one to smother someone in their sleep.

Shockingly, there is no government oversight on who can make a pillow, and even less on who can buy one. It’s an outrage! Even terrorists and criminals can buy one, cash on the barrelhead, no questions asked. Even more terrifyingly, Hogg intends to market his assault pillows on the Internet. That’s right; no background check required, and your illegal suppressor shows up on your doorstep in two days (if you have Prime).

Furthermore, David Hogg’s “Good Pillow” design will be available online. Imagine that: Literally anyone will be able to download the design specs and make an illegal suppressor of their own. Up until now, you see, only very special government-anointed pillow designers were allowed to experience the mystery, the wonder, and the incredible complexity of a full-auto suppressor pillow. Now, thanks to David Hogg and his illegal suppressor business, America is about to be flooded with untraceable “ghost pillows.”

What David Hogg needs to understand is this: The Sleepy Amendment was written back in the day when you just folded up your jacket the ol-fashion way and rested your head on that. If it was good enough for your great-great-great-grandpa, it’s good enough for you. The Napping Fathers never could have envisioned a day when women would cover their entire bed in decorative illegal suppressor devices, instead of just using one, which is all you need.

When it comes right down to it, David Hogg’s illegal suppressor business Good Pillow is basically nothing more than murder, filled with a hypoallergenic down alternative and covered in 400-threadcount long-staple cotton. We can all expect a significant uptick in drive-by smotherings in 2021 thanks to Hogg…and his Slaughter Pillows of Death.

What knee-jerk legislation should we all demand right now, to shut down this monstrous incursion into our peace, safety, and Sunday naps? Tell us in the comments!