If David Hogg didn’t exist, we’d have to invent him…
…because Joe Biden isn’t going to live forever, and we’re always going to need some comic relief in our lives, aren’t we? Ever since the moment he burst onto the political scene like a long-overdue pimple, David Hogg has been the media’s latest anti-gun darling. Brave! Mature! Brilliant! Superlative after superlative was cast on the young man’s shoulders like so much sycophantic dandruff. And that’s why it’s so much fun to watch the media scramble to cover up and explain away Hogg’s subsequent assclownery. It’s even more fun to watch what happens when you pour several million dollars’ worth of PR consultants and legacy-media ink into a Hogg-shaped mold. So, without further ado, here are Hogg’s biggest and best Hogg piles (so far).
1. The time he said that democracy is like iPhones–all we need is a teenager to fix it!
This was one of the first times he Hogged the spotlight, and I don’t know about you, but I knew right then and there that we had an anti-gunner truly worthy of taking up Rosie O’Donnell’s (enormous, suspiciously stained) mantle. Here’s my favorite quote:
“At this point its like when your old-a** parent is like, ‘I don’t know how to send an iMessage’ and you’re like, ‘Ok give me the f***ing phone’ and you take it and you get it done in one second. Sadly, that’s what we have to do with our government because our parents don’t know how to use a f***ing democracy so we have to do it.”
I think a person could be forgiven for looking at that quote and thinking, “That kid sure has a lot to learn, but come on…he was only 17 when he said that, and he’d just been through something pretty awful. Maybe we should cut the kid some slack.” But it’s that unique combination of ignorance and arrogance that hinted at much, much more ridiculous assclownery to come.
2. The time he showed up to protest the NRA with dozens of friends…and armed security.
Remember good ol’ Rosie O’Donnell? (Pepperidge Farm remembers.) We all had a good time laughing at her and her “guns for me, but not for thee” force of armed security. But at least O’Donnell had a fig leaf in that she was a b-list celebrity, and that she didn’t have a couple of hundred friends with her all the time. (Unless Pepperidge Farm Sausalito cookies count as friends.) Hogg, on the other hand, showed up to protest the National Rifle Association–not the Sinaloa cartel, not Idi Amin’s palace, the NRA–with armed security guards. Better still, he did it on a Saturday, when the building was empty because it’s a place of business. Not that they were the best security in the world; according to the linked article, several members of the NRA’s social media team showed up, noodled around, and ate ice cream paid for by Everytown.
3. The time he told a Canadian audience to donate to the 2018 elections. The American elections.
“I think Canadians can donate to political campaigns in the United States…”
This one is basically a delicious sundae made entirely of WTF. First, let’s savor the flavor of “our parents don’t know how to use a f***ing democracy” from point #1 above, yes? Then, let’s nibble on the fact that, thanks to Hogg, we actually got to see that it is possible for Michael Moore to look smart, if only for a moment. (The smart part wasn’t shaking his head “no” to Hogg’s idiotic question. The smart part was hustling Hogg offstage tout de suite.) Moving on, let’s enjoy the delicious nuts: This is from the same guy who is absolutely convinced that Russia bankrolled the 2016 Trump win via the NRA. And, finally, a wafer-thin mint in the form of the realization that he (and other anti-2A types like him) have no problem with foreign powers influencing American elections as long as it means they can sabotage the Second Amendment.
The year 2018 still has a couple of weeks left to run, so I don’t dare say these were his best Entitledouche McShitbird moments this year…but they’re my favorite so far. What about you? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.