Public Service Announcement For Anti-Gunners: Places to Avoid Moving To

Pictured: Texas’ Hill Country

I give gun-grabbers a lot of grief, but the truth is that I’m looking out for their best interests!

Over the past few decades, I’ve noticed a trend among anti-gunners, and I bet you have too: After creating their perfect gun-free paradise in their home state, they begin casting their gun-grabbing gaze at neighboring states. You see, the perfect gun-free paradises they’ve demanded of their legislators also tend to have very high taxes and remarkably high crime rates (despite being perfect gun-free paradises, which is unpossible so let’s forget about that). Once they’ve migrated to that neighboring state, they then look around and decide that they really don’t like all of this “country” in their “country.” Naturally, that leaves them nothing to do but vote in some anti-gunners to create a new gun-free paradise.

What these anti-gunners don’t know is that the 2A-friendly state next to the gun-free paradise (that they’ve inexplicably gotten sick of) is actually a terrifying hellscape that they should do everything in their power to avoid. That’s why, today, as a public service to the anti-gunners of America, I’m listing three places they shouldn’t even think about moving to.

This is just the one you can see. The others are in pincer formation all around you.

Nevada

Now that Californians have colonized Arizona’s larger cities, they’re reversing the Great Western Expansion by looking east to Nevada. With its lower taxes and cost of living, they may think that Nevada would be a good place to make their new home, but they’d be very, very wrong. Not only is Nevada rife with people who think it’s okay to openly carry those terrifying, murderous firearms, it’s also completely infested with Murder Crabs. Their primary diet is the type of small dog that fits easily in a Louis Vuitton purse, and they’re known to create their nests in Priuses that have been parked overnight. Just think of it, anti-gun Californians: There you are, doing 10 mph below the speed limit in the left lane, when suddenly you hear a noise from your trunk. Before you can even react, there they are…Murder Crabs in your passenger seat.

Best avoid Nevada, methinks!

And that’s just Wheeling. Wait ’til you get to the hills.

West Virginia

The East Coast isn’t without its adventurous anti-gun pioneers, either. The state of Virginia, once a generally pro-2A state, has recently been consumed by gun-grabbers migrating out from the District of Columbia into Northern Virginia. The population density of Northern Virginia means that the whole state is in the process of becoming the anti-gun paradise that its recent colonizers dream of. But of course the grass is always greener on the other side of the state line, and some DC-ites are wondering if West Virginia might be their next gun-free paradise.

What they don’t know is that the movie Deliverance wasn’t fiction, and it wasn’t about Georgia. It was a documentary about West Virginia, which is 100 percent populated by scary Bubbas who think you shore do have a purty mouth. Additionally, did you know that those aren’t coal mines? Those are actually the homes of West Virginia’s Morlocks. They emerge from their chthonic lairs every 6.66 days to devour the flesh of Hillary voters. True story. Best avoid it, anti-gunners!

Look at all those microaggressions.

Texas

For decades, anti-gunners have eschewed Texas as a destination because it’s well-known for its indigenous population of Brush-Cutting Demons. But time wounds all heels, and therefore some gun-grabbers have begun to wonder if Texas is the next best place to set up shop. That’s a terrible idea, though, because in addition to the Brush-Cutting Demons, Texas is absolutely infested with zombies. They’re not the slow shuffling Walking Dead kind of zombies, either–these are Fast Zombies like the ones in 28 Days Later. In addition to that speed, Texas zombies are equipped with double-barrel, fully automatic, 100-round-clips of Assault Opinions. Imagine it, anti-gunners: There you are, just trying to get your neighbor arrested for letting their kid own a toy gun, and the next thing you know you have a Texas Assault Zombie micro-aggressing at you.

This has been a public service announcement for the anti-gunners of America…but I’m sure I’ve missed some other spots that they should avoid. Please tell us in the comments about any other haunted wastelands of doom that anti-gunners shouldn’t even think of moving to!