Quiz Time! Which Home-Defense Shotgun Are You?

Please wait until the end before you go back and change your answers until you get the result you wanted.

Facebook hates guns, so we’ll just make our own fun.

Remember back when Facebook used to be fun, before it mutated into a weird, warped social-justice hellscape populated solely by people posting pictures of their lunch and completely missing the point of The Onion articles? Remember when we used to go on there and fill out silly quizzes about which kind of farm animal we’d be if we were farm animals? Pepperidge Farm may or may not remember, but Trace Munson does…and that’s why, every so often, I like to formulate a quiz, just for old times’ sake. And because Facebook hates guns, I make it my business to ensure that that’s what my quizzes are about. So grab a pencil and paper (remember those?!?) and play along with me while we figure out just what kind of home-defense shotgun we’d be, if we were one.

I. Where is your dream vacation?

a. I just like going to the old home place and hanging out with my grandpa.

b. Anywhere, as long as it’s just a short hop.

c. East Berlin or Czechoslovakia…anywhere I can stretch my legs and occupy some space, you know?

d. Martha’s Vineyard. I’m already there, actually.

II. What’s your dream car?

a. An International Harvester pickup truck.

b. A Miata.

c. A Lada.

d. A Lamborghini.

III. If you could choose your accent, what would it be?

a. I’d rather have no accent at all, other than “American.”

b. I already have a Texas accent, and you can pry it from my cold, dead…tongue.

c. In Soviet Russia, accent speaks you!

d. Mid-Atlantic, like Teddy Roosevelt back in the day. It’s the rarest accent of all, Darling.

IV. Which movie star do you most resemble?

a. Owen Wilson. He may not be the handsomest guy, but he gets the job done.

b. Tom Cruise. (But I look taller on film!)

c. Sam Neill. But only because nobody knows who Dimitri Diatchenko is.

d. David Cross, if he got hit on the head a few times.

V. What’s your record number of, uh…acts of love…in one night?

a. Six…but it took a while before I was back to normal after that!

b. Five…which is kind of embarrassing, because I’m still pretty young.

c. Twenty-five. What can I say, I find drums inspiring.

d. Two…any more would just be showing off.

ANSWER KEY:

If you got MOSTLY As, you are a Remington 870! You’re down-to-earth, tried and true, and you don’t need any fancy equipment to get the job done.

If you got MOSTLY Bs, you are a Mossberg Shockwave! You’re so short that sometimes people can’t believe their eyes, but you’re definitely legal…and very, very good at what you do.

If you got MOSTLY Cs, you are a VEPR 12! Привет! The Iron Curtain may have been drawn back a long time ago, but you remember the good old days like it was still 1947.

If you got MOSTLY Ds, you are a Beretta Silver Pigeon! It’s the wildly expensive over/under shotgun that Joe Biden thinks you should use to defend your home–but only by shooting it up in the air, of course. (Apologies to Beretta, who make lovely shotguns and are completely innocent in Biden’s dumbassery.)

Which gun are you? Tell us in the comments!