Quiz Time! Which Home-Defense Shotgun Are You?
Last updated: April 22, 2026 · Originally published: August 12, 2021
Facebook hates guns, so we’ll just make our own fun.
Remember back when Facebook used to be fun, before it mutated into a weird, warped social-justice hellscape populated solely by people posting pictures of their lunch and completely missing the point of The Onion articles? Remember when we used to go on there and fill out silly quizzes about which kind of farm animal we’d be if we were farm animals? Pepperidge Farm may or may not remember, but Trace Munson does…and that’s why, every so often, I like to formulate a quiz, just for old times’ sake. And because Facebook hates guns, I make it my business to ensure that that’s what my quizzes are about. So grab a pencil and paper (remember those?!?) and play along with me while we figure out just what kind of home-defense shotgun we’d be, if we were one.
I. Where is your dream vacation?
a. I just like going to the old home place and hanging out with my grandpa.
b. Anywhere, as long as it’s just a short hop.
c. East Berlin or Czechoslovakia…anywhere I can stretch my legs and occupy some space, you know?
d. Martha’s Vineyard. I’m already there, actually.
II. What’s your dream car?
a. An International Harvester pickup truck.
b. A Miata.
c. A Lada.
d. A Lamborghini.
III. If you could choose your accent, what would it be?
a. I’d rather have no accent at all, other than “American.”
b. I already have a Texas accent, and you can pry it from my cold, dead…tongue.
c. In Soviet Russia, accent speaks you!
d. Mid-Atlantic, like Teddy Roosevelt back in the day. It’s the rarest accent of all, Darling.
IV. Which movie star do you most resemble?
a. Owen Wilson. He may not be the handsomest guy, but he gets the job done.
b. Tom Cruise. (But I look taller on film!)
c. Sam Neill. But only because nobody knows who Dimitri Diatchenko is.
d. David Cross, if he got hit on the head a few times.
V. What’s your record number of, uh…acts of love…in one night?
a. Six…but it took a while before I was back to normal after that!
b. Five…which is kind of embarrassing, because I’m still pretty young.
c. Twenty-five. What can I say, I find drums inspiring.
d. Two…any more would just be showing off.
ANSWER KEY:
If you got MOSTLY As, you are a Remington 870! You’re down-to-earth, tried and true, and you don’t need any fancy equipment to get the job done.
If you got MOSTLY Bs, you are a Mossberg Shockwave! You’re so short that sometimes people can’t believe their eyes, but you’re definitely legal…and very, very good at what you do.
If you got MOSTLY Cs, you are a VEPR 12! Привет! The Iron Curtain may have been drawn back a long time ago, but you remember the good old days like it was still 1947.
If you got MOSTLY Ds, you are a Beretta Silver Pigeon! It’s the wildly expensive over/under shotgun that Joe Biden thinks you should use to defend your home–but only by shooting it up in the air, of course. (Apologies to Beretta, who make lovely shotguns and are completely innocent in Biden’s dumbassery.)
Which gun are you? Tell us in the comments!
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Why did you leave out hand grenades? If you can’t stop the leftist hoards at least you can take your home with you.
I’m an older Pickup kinda guy, I got 2 A’s, 2 D’s, & 1 C. So guess I’m kind of a Rebel, & would use just an old Double Barreled Shotgun that would get the job done. LOL
Since I had 2-A’s, and one each of the others, I will stick with what I already have. A Weatherby and a Winchester pump plus 6 side by sides in 12 and 16 gauge. They just called out to me over the years and I could not ignore them…or something like that. The Beretta Silver Hawk is my favorite (16 gauge). Life is good!
Most of my answers were “none of the above” so what am I?
A liberal, city dwelling, non-gun owner? Even IF you own a gun, you probably don’t practice or train very much past the first 50-100 (I’m being kind there) rounds of “familiarization.”
Legal sawed off double barrel 10 gauge. Sawed off legal though
Now this is my kind of guy. I got a early model 10g with hammers. Twist barrel prevents me from shooting modern ammo tho.
Has no one ever heard of the Remington Tac-14 or Mossberg’s Shockwave legal “pistol?” If 2 shots are good, isn’t 4-5 better?
I’m a PORSCE 914 7x Dale Dye on vacation all the time so I have a ’60’s FN BAR with a +9 Nordic Mag butt pouched & sling bandoliered with 49 more API slugs & an ATI Bulldog FDE 19+1 with the carry handle sight, diffusible targeting flash spot QD teardrop swiveled at the top back rail balance point & the 5 mag sten handled on the left. Wonder if a 37mm launcher would move the light to the right & a Truglo 185x to get the 80 yds to the gate & mount maybe 4 Panzer 10s on the butt. They hold the 3″ Mag shells. ~ Dan, Fort Calhoun Hill, Hoosier National Forest @bearscorner85
Rem 870, though my shotgun shooting days are over as both shoulders are significantly deteriorated enough, shooting anything with more than mild recoil is debilitating.
That;s ok, just saw it off to 18.5 inches and shoot from the him type. I’m sure you can still get the job done. Hang in there.
How about stocking your 12 ga, with “mini-shells?” Pretty much comparable power with half the recoil.
Mossberg 590A1 with bayonet!When the lead doesn’t do it,the steel will..
I wouldn’t mind the Mossberg 590A1 with a 25-30 round drum magazine,ghost ring sights,serrated steel butt plate AND the bayonet!
If all else fails,the two handed meat cleaver will take down critters[and no serial number or rifling grooves]
since none of the questions apply, any loaded weapon closest to me! the last question where is the answer “when you need a crowbar to uncross her legs”??????
Up until a couple years ago I was a devout Mossberg 500 man. 12 ga, 20 in barrel, 9 round magazine tube, parkerized finish, strictly 1970’s Mil-Spec. Now, I’m a Kel-Tec, KSG kind of guy. 15 rounds of 12 ga. in a compact package. What’s not to like there?
Me too or a moss berg 12
For myself personally from past experience, I HATE ALL shotguns because they actually scare me! Why?????? Because as a 16 year old, someone used a 20 gauge birdshot to SHOOT ME with!!!!!! The blast hit me on my right side from my head to my shoulder. My shoulder taking most of it with the MAIN thing about it hitting my head was it knocking me unconscious of course so it’s a GREAT THING I had a couple friends in the area to call 911 and get me my MUCH NEEDED help at the time!!!!!! We had just gotten to another friends townhome complex and after getting out of our cars and walking up to it, someone was waiting to get one of us and I was the unfortunate one to get hit. I actually became armed a couple months after that with a .38 a friends brother gave and now that I’m 42, I ALWAYS keep one with me for peace of mind knowing that I have the ability to protect myself and those around me.
Good idea, just make sure you have a permit, without it causes all kinds of problems.
Hmm. like most of the others I had a mixed bag and didn’t ‘fit’ any of the categories 😉 so I’ll stick with my ‘ready’ shotty – a Rossi/Taurus Circuit Judge .410 bore. 5 rounds on tap ought to be enough for any invasion of my small abode. If not, it would make a reasonable club………………..
I have an old IH pick up and an old Winchester model 12. Both I purchased back in the 1970’s. Both still work well and do what I need them to do.
Two A’s, two D’s and a C. The only shotgun I own is a Remington 870 Express and my favorite shotgun of all.
If I never get any others I’ll be very happy with my 870, thank you very much!
Two A’s the one B, C and D. I have 2 shotguns, Winchester Model 12 and a Model 120. I have owned them for a while.
A Combination of A,B, C I have been around and don’t need anything fancy I’m short and very good at what I do and well I’m Old and I enjoyed the good old days . I own a Winchester 1200 Tactical 12 Gauge and a Remington Tac 14
“E” None of the Above
Mossberg 930 Tactical / Mossberg 590A1 (I’m schizo on shotguns)
Dang I got two A’s two D’s one b and there’s no shotgun for these so I guess I’m just a pistol type of gal. Thanks this was funny next time ask some questions for the females we do like our guns and we don’t look like Tom Cruise or Owen Wilson or whoever the others were now Marilyn Monroe Catherine Hepburn those you can go with Heck you could even say Annie Oakley again thanks this was fun
Two A’s, two D’s, and a B. I own a Mossberg JM 940 Pro, a Browning Gold Hunter, a Remington 870 Tactical, and my father in laws Stevens side by side all 12 gauge. I have been confused and troubled all of my life!
Beretta Silver Pigeon all the way!