Quiz: Which Compact Pistol Are You?

My boss makes a dollar while I make a dime…that’s why I quiz on company time!

Remember back when Facebook was actually sort of fun, instead of a hellscape populated entirely by people selling pyramid schemes to each other? I’m personally certain that it was the silly quizzes that made all the difference, and was quite at a loss for what to do with myself if I couldn’t answer some questions and figure out which brand of pantyhose I am. However, I recently happened upon a cache of quizzes from back in those heady, halcyon days before pretty much every social media platform decided they hated guns and loved, loved, loved “diet” shakes (that take your money and pay you back in diarrhea). Today we’re decanting the first of these for your delectation…

1. On your sixteenth birthday, you:

a) Opened a few presents, went to school like normal, and then went home and had cake with your family.

b) Cut the enormous novelty bow off your fire-engine-red BMW convertible.

c) Finally passed your driver’s license test…on the third go-round.

d) Tricked your two worst enemies into fighting, causing them both to be expelled.

2. What’s your favorite fast food?

a) Extra crispy fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy.

b) Does caviar count? Sturgeon lay eggs pretty quickly.

c) Burritos, because they took care of the salmonella problem but the lines are still super short!

d) Cheeseburgers and fries, because that’s what everybody else eats and I don’t want to stick out.

3. If money were no object, where would you like to go on vacation?

a) Orlando, Florida, to theme park until I drop.

b) Wait, money’s an object for people?

c) Times Square, since there are hardly any hookers or muggers there these days.

d) South Africa, because they’d probably let me pay in Krugerrands.

4. What kind of car do you drive?

a) Late-model American-made pickup truck.

b) I don’t drive. I am driven.

c) An Audi, because that whole uncontrolled acceleration thing was really overblown by the media.

d) A Town Car I stole from a Mafia don.

5. Other than guns, what do you collect?

a) Souvenir shotglasses

b) Van Gogh

c) Pogs. They’re coming back, just you wait!

d) Cereal-box premiums from the 1970s.

Answer Key:

If you got MOSTLY As, you are a Ruger LCP! You’re all-American, nothing fancy, but more than reliable when push comes to shove.

If you got MOSTLY Bs, you are a Kimber Micro 9! Your pedigree is so pure they’re thinking of showing you at Westminster, but you don’t let it get to your head…you already knew you were a cut above.

If you got MOSTLY Cs, you are a Remington RM380! You had a few hiccups getting to where you are, but everything’s working out for you now. (Except for the Pogs.)

If you got MOSTLY Ds, you are a Seecamp! One of the very first micro handguns, you can go anywhere and do anything and stay completely off the grid while you do it. (And also, you’re probably Repairman Jack. Please don’t hurt me.)

Trace Munson

Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.