ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons

Even if you’ve been living under a rock, you have no doubt heard of ANTIFA–and that would probably be because some ANTIFA dork took that rock off the top of your head and hurled it at a cop. ANTIFA, which in the amusing doublespeak of the anti-gunner stands for “anti-fascist,” has been quite busy of late. Between fomenting riots, breaking windows, and setting downtowns on fire, they have also found the time to create some…interesting…weapons technology.

In the interest of investigative journalism, I recently went undercover and infiltrated an ANTIFA weapons engineering center. I assure you that it was a fascinating tale of bravery and derring-do, but you’ll have to take my word on that one. Having escaped by a red Pelosi hair, I have returned with their latest top-secret technology. Sit back and prepare to be impressed by the top 5 weapons of America’s latest media darlings!

1. High-Impact Right Rectangular Prism

This ANTIFA weapon is, in many ways, the cornerstone of their armory. Seasoned shooters may marvel at the ballistic insufficiency of this three-dimensional rectangle, but in field use the high-impact right rectangular prism (HIIRP) has proven quite effective at shattering store windows. Although its size and weight make the HIIRP difficult to conceal in an everyday carry rig, ANTIFA has solved this problem by strategically leaving cached supplies of this remarkable feat of Communist engineering.

Dad, put money on my university meal card.

2. Aromatic Hydrocarbon Incendiary Device

Here’s another astonishing innovation from the top minds of ANTIFA: the aromatic hydrocarbon incendiary device (AHID). This advanced technology uses a combination of fused silicates, hydrocarbon fossil fuels, and a special matrix constructed of 50% cotton and 50% poly. Once assembled, the AHID can function both as a ballistic weapon and as an incendiary device–if the impact doesn’t disable the target, the burst of flame will. This high-tech addition to the ANTIFA arsenal is just proof positive of how collectivism drives innovation.

3. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

Although Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation is actually a technology that was developed prior to the existence of ANTIFA, they’re certainly proud to claim it. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation is a bit of a tongue-twister, though, so ANTIFA is considering calling this the Oedipus Stick. Because their own mommies either didn’t love them enough (or maybe way too much), they’re now driven to point Oedipus Sticks into the eyes of law enforcement personnel in an attempt to permanently blind them. (But that’s okay, because at least they’re not using guns!)

That’s weird. It usually takes at least a year for Communism to cause food shortages.

4. Personnel Offensive Olfactory Tear-Gas

It’s very clear from the design of the Personnel Offensive Olfactory Tear-Gas (POOT) weapon that ANTIFA has taken its cue from law enforcement. Unlike the PepperBall, tear gas, or oleoresin capsaicin spray, the POOT is auto-replenishing and designed for easy in-body concealment. My research at ANTIFA has proven that the power behind the POOT is, in fact, the very same vegan food demanded by the protest leader in the tweet above.

It’s unclear how this technology was originally developed, but ordinary citizens can experience the devastating power of the vegan-food powered POOT by walking down the aisles at their local Trader Joe’s (although we strongly recommend a little Vick’s Vapo-Rub under the nostrils if you attempt this experiment).

Get enough of them lined up and you’ll have a Human Communi-pede!

5. Media Sycophants

Confession time: I didn’t actually find any media sycophants in the ANTIFA armory that I infiltrated. That’s because ANTIFA’s ultimate weapon is a media that is doing everything in its power to cast their brick-hucking, Molotov-cocktail throwing, cop-blinding, city-burning activities as “peaceful protest.” This is in contrast to the way that media treated the “End the Quarantine” protestors, who were cast as violent and dangerous nut-bags. (Never mind that there were exactly zero instances of violence of any kind at the armed “end the quarantine” protests.)

And that’s where the true weapons innovation genius is within ANTIFA…you don’t need your weapon to be sophisticated when you have a media willing to do every other single bit of dirty work for you.

Did we miss an ANTIFA weapon? Let us know in the comments if your urban espionage has turned up anything new!