Even if you’ve been living under a rock, you have no doubt heard of ANTIFA–and that would probably be because some ANTIFA dork took that rock off the top of your head and hurled it at a cop. ANTIFA, which in the amusing doublespeak of the anti-gunner stands for “anti-fascist,” has been quite busy of late. Between fomenting riots, breaking windows, and setting downtowns on fire, they have also found the time to create some…interesting…weapons technology.
In the interest of investigative journalism, I recently went undercover and infiltrated an ANTIFA weapons engineering center. I assure you that it was a fascinating tale of bravery and derring-do, but you’ll have to take my word on that one. Having escaped by a red Pelosi hair, I have returned with their latest top-secret technology. Sit back and prepare to be impressed by the top 5 weapons of America’s latest media darlings!
1. High-Impact Right Rectangular Prism
This ANTIFA weapon is, in many ways, the cornerstone of their armory. Seasoned shooters may marvel at the ballistic insufficiency of this three-dimensional rectangle, but in field use the high-impact right rectangular prism (HIIRP) has proven quite effective at shattering store windows. Although its size and weight make the HIIRP difficult to conceal in an everyday carry rig, ANTIFA has solved this problem by strategically leaving cached supplies of this remarkable feat of Communist engineering.
2. Aromatic Hydrocarbon Incendiary Device
Here’s another astonishing innovation from the top minds of ANTIFA: the aromatic hydrocarbon incendiary device (AHID). This advanced technology uses a combination of fused silicates, hydrocarbon fossil fuels, and a special matrix constructed of 50% cotton and 50% poly. Once assembled, the AHID can function both as a ballistic weapon and as an incendiary device–if the impact doesn’t disable the target, the burst of flame will. This high-tech addition to the ANTIFA arsenal is just proof positive of how collectivism drives innovation.
3. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation
Although Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation is actually a technology that was developed prior to the existence of ANTIFA, they’re certainly proud to claim it. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation is a bit of a tongue-twister, though, so ANTIFA is considering calling this the Oedipus Stick. Because their own mommies either didn’t love them enough (or maybe way too much), they’re now driven to point Oedipus Sticks into the eyes of law enforcement personnel in an attempt to permanently blind them. (But that’s okay, because at least they’re not using guns!)
4. Personnel Offensive Olfactory Tear-Gas
It’s very clear from the design of the Personnel Offensive Olfactory Tear-Gas (POOT) weapon that ANTIFA has taken its cue from law enforcement. Unlike the PepperBall, tear gas, or oleoresin capsaicin spray, the POOT is auto-replenishing and designed for easy in-body concealment. My research at ANTIFA has proven that the power behind the POOT is, in fact, the very same vegan food demanded by the protest leader in the tweet above.
It’s unclear how this technology was originally developed, but ordinary citizens can experience the devastating power of the vegan-food powered POOT by walking down the aisles at their local Trader Joe’s (although we strongly recommend a little Vick’s Vapo-Rub under the nostrils if you attempt this experiment).
5. Media Sycophants
Confession time: I didn’t actually find any media sycophants in the ANTIFA armory that I infiltrated. That’s because ANTIFA’s ultimate weapon is a media that is doing everything in its power to cast their brick-hucking, Molotov-cocktail throwing, cop-blinding, city-burning activities as “peaceful protest.” This is in contrast to the way that media treated the “End the Quarantine” protestors, who were cast as violent and dangerous nut-bags. (Never mind that there were exactly zero instances of violence of any kind at the armed “end the quarantine” protests.)
And that’s where the true weapons innovation genius is within ANTIFA…you don’t need your weapon to be sophisticated when you have a media willing to do every other single bit of dirty work for you.
Did we miss an ANTIFA weapon? Let us know in the comments if your urban espionage has turned up anything new!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.
James Quayle III says
All these Socialist Commie dirtbags and Demonrats (Democrats) need to be marched to the Gallows and hung in EVERY town center. Like right now! Voting clearly isn’t working when the Demonrats change (or dispose of) opposing votes. It is now time to remove them by force, like our Constitution states.
James Quayle III says
Great song and perfect lyrics!
Frank says
One thing which isn’t exactly a weapon per se are those homemade shields that people are using when they confront the police. I’m not going to make any jokes, unless something strikes my mind, but they’re making them from plastic drums or barrels and trash cans. Some are using plywood sheets and while not as high tech as the ones that the police use, they do provide some protection and allow them to stand their ground or to defeat the efforts of the police to tear gas them. And they’re cheap and easy enough to make extras or replacements.
I wish the cops could use concussion grenades or flash bangs which would shock them, shield or no shield and the flash would blind them temporarily which would induce more fear and allow the police another tactical advantage. Of course the scumbag liberals prefer the innocent and law abiding suffer by the hands of ANTIFA thugs.
If we experience civil war, even those of us without guns will pose a serious threat to ANTIFA since many of us are creative and genius enough to build our own weapons. And chances are, the good guys weapons will be more sophisticated, of better quality and better designed and built.
GLENN HOLLISTER says
Amen, Brent.
Paul says
What about the assault stick (now in Tactical Birch)
Zupglick says
You missed the class “C” fireworks mortar bomb they use as grenades.
Heko the Patriot says
Do not forget their last ditch effort weapon, The mommycade block, singing lullabies to their crying babies, quite entertaining!
David says
It is sTimulated. Light Amplification by STimulated Emission of Radiation. Simulated emission of radiation wouldn’t amplify anything.
Trace Munson says
Dumb typo, good point–I’m almost tempted to leave it as-is so your comment will stay funny! Alas, I must fix it.
Wizzid0 says
Add to that, “high-impact right rectangular prism” is HIRRP, not HIIRP! [Maybe, get someone else to proof read your copy.]
Dan 71 says
If he hadn’t been laughing so hard when he wrote it he wouldn’t need a proofreader. ‘Course you have to stop the proof reader from bustin’ a gut as well…
BRENT BAIRD says
If we just sit on our hands a while longer , let the politicians and the” sea of lost minds ” continue their intentions we will have the environment necessary , to fix the “problem most efficiently”. And it will be on their heads! How many of you guys are completely disgusted with carrying the YOKE of upholding a civilized and moral responsibility toward these type of people , who DAILY mock and destroy all that the CIVIL and MORAL people work, strive to build toward and sacrifice for! A CIVIL WAR is where we’re headed and I for one am all for the solution of getting this current MEME behind us , and a return to a CIVIL and MORAL SOCIETY. I wish it didn’t require this extremness, yet history is CLEAR on how moral man must ultimately evolve when the problems of a given society grow intolerable and well-intentioned efforts breakdown!………………………………Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die to get there!
Craig Northacker says
Well said.
James Quayle III says
Amen!!
Gundog says
Grandpappy told my pappy, back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he done
Take all the rope in Texas find a tall oak tree,
Round up all them bad boys hang them high in the street
For all the people to see
That justice is the one thing you should always find
You got to saddle up your boys, you got to draw a hard line
When the gun smoke settles we’ll sing a victory tune
And we’ll all meet back at the local saloon
We’ll raise up our glasses against evil forces singing
Whiskey for my men, beer for my horses
george burns says
Ready ,AIM, Fire, Bunker Hill 2 , coming soon
Joe says
I truly believe that “We the people “ when attacked by these oxygen thieves and are forced to protect ourselves with our legal weapons. It will be the only time the democrats back the police to do there job and arrest us!
Don’t retreat, reload!
Earl Barthel says
Do an actual article. This was funny but if your readers encounter Antifa it would be good toknow what they use, how it’s deployed and how to defend.
Thank you.
Dr Duke says
A serious version of this would be great.
Don’t get me wrong, this one was great and we all could use a good laugh now.
Sharpened pipes, often used to carry banners and flags.
The banners are often reinforced so they provide some protection and they provide cover. They will have steel cables or chain at the top and bottom.
Umbrellas with sharpened ends. Allows them to hide from cameras and carry a weapon in plain sight.
I know they are using bikes as weapons, I don’t know if they modify them at all.
Various corrosive and potentially blinding substances either hurled in bottles or poured on whatever inanimate object they wish to destroy.
Mortar fireworks, possibly more powerful than the ones you can buy without a permit. In spite of what the media says these are not firecrackers or Roman candles. A cop in Chicago is probably going to lose an eye after taking a hit from one. I hope he sues the city that would not let police wear protective riot gear.
BTW fireworks are illegal in IL, mainly because the idiots in Chicago can’t handle them. The few rioters who were arrested we all let go when Caprini Kim Fox dropped all the charges against them.
I suspect they have guides to making their weapons online, I just can’t bring myself to go to one of their pages.
The tragic thing is they are the closest thing to hitler’s brown shirts the country has ever seen yet they are convinced that they are the good guys.
Ed says
Well said!
B says
If you look carefully, they are operating on the edge of what is considered a deadly weapon, to avoid full prosecution or use of deadly force against them. Don’t be fooled, their choices of weapons are carefully planned so the media can say that when force is used against them, it was used against unarmed protesters.
BRENT BAIRD says
The media would say that any way…..LOL
Joe says
It’s stimulated, not simulated. Otherwise great article.
Shooter Norm says
Great stuff! Antifa can only come up with the weapons a 30-year old loser still living in Mom’s basement can find!
One small point re LASER: it’s not “simulated” it’s “stimulated.” Common mistake.
Jim Hovater says
You forgot the ‘Newton Device’, aka the ‘slingshot’.
anonymous4goodreason says
Cold Hard Asymmetric Projectile (CHAP) – A frozen water bottle
Transport Adaptable Cranial Traumatizer (TACT) – A skateboard
Gunrunner says
The time is not far. Be ready. I am…
Tim Toroian says
I haven’t met any Antifas yet but my M 1, which I prefer to an AR for penetration qualities, a 9mm, a44 mag, and a Cold Steel Trailmaster make 4, I’m not which I’d use as number 5.
John says
This article is great. I needed a good laugh. The dems need to go. Trump 2020!!
Russ says
WTH,I just use speedy Friends.
ChiptheBarber says
They actually train them in the use of bicycle locks—yeah, that ginormous U-bolt spun from the back of the hand forward can generate tremendous force. Bicycle locks are not illegal anywhere and by the pix I’ve seen of crushed cranial orbs, they’re quite effective. So if you notice your child, grandkid, niece/nephew, or even your neighbor’s punk@$$ spawn dressing in black and toting a bike lock, then by all means march them at gunpoint to the nearest recruiting office of your choice and let’s see if Uncle Sam can still make anything meaningful of them.
Clark Kent says
As anchors for the Navy?
JonsOn says
Agreed. These people wouldn’t defend our country. They’d wash out of the military probably with in a week. Anchors away!
brent says
ChiptheBarber….rite on , I’m seriously convenced that is the best civil solution to a spawn that doesn’t understand that NO means FK&^G NO!
Larry GRAY says
This DemonCrat backed attack on our Country is the biggest disgrase ever perpitated in my life time. (70years). I can only hope that enough true Americans will see through this farse and re elect President Trump to show these morons that they cannot beat us.
Keith says
I’m with you hoping and praying.
Jonn Nagy says
Not only reelect Trump but vote in more Republicans. Let’s kick out all the Dems we can, from the Congress down to our local offices.
JonsOn says
Yes we need to get the wretched old drunken hag out of the speakership. After listening to their display in the Barr hearing I now have no doubt they are all douche bags.