Once upon a time, when I was just a wee Munson, I used to answer these in earnest. Not anymore.
Have you ever noticed that so many of the average anti-gunner’s commentary regarding gun rights seems to all come, not just from the same playbook, but the same photocopied handwritten crib notes your frat passed around for decades? And that most of them are about as deep and well-considered as your average bumper sticker? Time was, I used to give earnest, in bona fide answers to anti-gun comments…but then I decided that if they weren’t going to be original with their anti-gun-rights arguments, then I wasn’t going to bother being original with my rebuttals. And in that spirit, I’m sharing my canned replies with all of you, so you don’t have to waste any more time or energy, either.
Anti-Gun “Argument” Number Uhhhh: “The Founding Fathers didn’t mean AR-15s when they wrote the Second Amendment!”
YOUNG TRACE: “Actually, multi-shot firearms go back to the 14th century, when the ‘volley gun’ was invented. Although these early blackpowder rifles used multiple barrels to achieve this aim, they were certainly capable of firing multiple shots without reloading. The Founding Fathers, who were learned and well-traveled men, certainly would have been aware that this technology could someday be inexpensive enough that ordinary members of the public could own them.”
OLD MEAN TROLL TRACE: “The Founding Fathers probably didn’t know there would be dozens of STDs in the future, and yet your mom is still legal. Weird.”
Anti-Gun “Argument” Number Duhhhh: “A gun in your home is umpty-billion more times likely to kill you than an intruder!”
YOUNG TRACE: “That’s because people are conflating suicides with murders. Suicide is a horror and a plague on society, but adding it in to the murder figures is disingenuous. And they’re also forgetting that the vast majority of home invaders here in the U.S. tend to actively avoid entering homes that are occupied. (Guess why that is!) Therefore, that means that most home invaders never see the homeowners they’re robbing. And if they do, they frequently turn tail and run upon seeing the gun, so you’re leaving all of the statistics about home invaders being repelled or deterred by a gun out of the equation.”
OLD MEAN TROLL TRACE: “Nah, your dad is umpty-billion times more likely to kill me when he catches on to what your mom and I have been up to than I am to die of exhaustion in her arms.”
Anti-Gun “Argument” Number Twaaahhht: “My need to feel safe trumps your need to compensate for your tiny penis!”
YOUNG TRACE: “What about women who own guns? What are they compensating for? Do you feel like it’s OK to tell a woman that she shouldn’t be allowed to defend herself against a bigger, stronger aggressor because you think guns are kinda phallic? Do you think that women should make sure to always have a man around to defend her physically, or do you think women have the right to live independently if they wish? Also, are you aware that the most popular concealed-carry guns have barrels that are 3 inches or fewer? If I was going to ‘compensate,’ don’t you think I’d choose something much more impressive looking than a Ruger LCP?”
OLD MEAN TROLL TRACE: “Your mom never complains about my microwang. She figures it’s not cheating on your dad as long as I don’t knock any dust off.”
I know, I know. I’m no Archie Bunker. But I hope you enjoy these anyway!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.