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BREAKING: Joe Biden’s New Press Secretary Clarifies “You’re Full of Sh*t”

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Creepy Uncle Joe would like you to know her hair smells like Four Loko.

In a remarkable twist that’s already electrifying Creepy Uncle Joe Biden‘s race for the Democratic nomination, we here at Freedom’s Lodge have secured the very first interview with the anti-gun former senator’s brand-new press secretary: Cash Me Outside Girl. This remarkable young woman sprang to stardom with her debut interview on Dr. Phil–quickly capturing a spot on Biden’s campaign team as well as his “Going to Turn 18 Soon” list. Now, in the wake of Biden’s “contentious” exchange with a Michigan union worker who confronted Biden about his anti-gun campaign, Cash Me Outside is here to explain this breathtaking new voter-engagement strategy.

Freedom’s Lodge: Cash Me Outside, your addition to the Biden election campaign is going to stun Washington–what made Joe Biden want you there?

Cash Me Outside: Well, I think he originally really wanted David Hogg to be his press secretary, although he kept calling David “Davida” at first because he thinks Hogg is pretty. So I caught David Hogg outside and beat him like a rented mule. Who’s the pretty one now, bitch?

Freedom’s Lodge: Wow, are you saying that Biden’s campaign advisors are chosen by combat?

Cash Me Outside: They are now, bitch! That was the first thing I changed when he brought me on board. Before then, it was a mixology exam–you hadda make a Manhattan in a paint bucket and get it all into Joey’s beer helmet without spilling or letting him choke on any Maraschino cherries. Ain’t nobody got time for that; just cash me outside and we’ll figure out who’s the press secretary and who’s the towel boy. Bitch.

Freedom’s Lodge: So, yesterday, Creepy Uncle Joe was talking to some union workers about Biden’s position on the Second Amendment. What was your advice to him going in to that press event?

Cash Me Outside: I told him not to take any b.s. from them hoes. They’re going to get up and say “Last week you said you wanted Beta O’Dork to be your gun czar,” but whatevs. Stick your finger in their chest, they’ll forget what you said last week.

Freedom’s Lodge: Was it your idea to have him tell the guy that the video we all watched about how he wants Beto “Hell Yes We’re Coming to Take Your AK-47, Your AR-15” to be his gun-grabber in chief that he was full of sh*t?

Cash Me Outside: Hells naw. I told him to snatch the dude’s weave. Guess he couldn’t get to it under that hard hat. But I will take a moment to note that the four-letter Anglo-Saxonisms that describe body parts and functions are actually an integral part of the rich etymological history of English and the process of dysphemism.

Freedom’s Lodge: What?

Cash Me Outside: Sheeeyit.

Freedom’s Lodge: So, we’re curious about why Creepy Uncle Joe keeps talking about shotguns every time someone asks him about his views on the Second Amendment. Do you have any insight?

Cash Me Outside: When he says that, he just means he’s starting to get the shakes and he needs me to poke a hole in a can of Milwaukee’s Beast so he can chug it faster.

Freedom’s Lodge: A few weeks ago, we had a startling interview with one of Creepy Joe’s closest advisors and the voice in his head, Dog Face Pony Soldier. In that interview, he really came off as a voice of reason in Biden’s head. What was his position on all this?

Cash Me Outside: I caught Dog Face Pony Soldier outside, and now his position is “horizontal.” Ain’t no campaign advising happening from his hospital bed.

Freedom’s Lodge: Cash, this probably won’t be the last time a potential voter asks Biden about how he can say he doesn’t want to grab guns when he keeps saying he wants to grab guns. How will Biden handle these things moving forward?

Cash Me Outside: Well, the next hoe to open their hoe mouth will find out that you don’t need guns if you know how to sharpen a toothbrush. I been teaching Joey B. how to make prison shanks, he loves it.

Freedom’s Lodge: So, can you give us the inside scoop on how Biden plans to implement O’Rourke’s plan to confiscate everything that isn’t a double-barrel shotgun from America’s gun owners?

Cash Me Outside: Well, we’re gonna cash them outside, how bout dah?

At this point, the interview came to a sudden and unexpected end when Cash Me Outside tried to snatch my weave, which, sadly, is actually my hair. She’s captured a chunk of my scalp…and Joe Biden’s heart. What’s next for Cash Me Outside? We’re guessing some shoplifting beefs and a dubstep remix of Biden saying “Buy a shotgun.”

 

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Comments

  1. Here’s the scary thing. Let’s say, that by some strange quirk of fate, or Tanzanian melding in the 2020 presidential election, Sleepy Joe wins and had already announced that Hilary was his running mate (not by his choice). Once he’s inaugurated, he ‘mysteriously’ succumbs to illness (perhaps lead poisoning) and she then takes office as the Commander in Chief.. Well then, the clients are back in office. THAT scares me more than anything!

  2. I’m not really worried about Joe. After all, there are no “ar-14’s” so he can take ’em all. Other than that, there just aren’t enough police to survive going to every house. I figure they will give up long before they make it out of the cities.

  4. Attachment

    When writing a humor piece, its always best to BE funny, rather than attempt badly to be funny.

  5. I think I thst most Americans, that is at least Republican Patriots understand what “You’re Full Of Shit” means!! And the reply has absolutely nothing to do with the reply “Oh, You Must Be Mistaken” or any other reply along that line!! In plain English Language, You’re Full Of Shit, translates to, “Shut Up, You’re Stupid!! So Biden’s Band New Press Secretary, (so that’s what they’re calling it these days) is probably Pressing Her Secretary against something of Bidens, and no amount of cover Biden’s Butt comments or interviews on the Rag, Dr. Phil Show will change what, or the meaning of what Biden said!! It’s just a shame that this gentleman, because of what Biden replied, didn’t rearrange his face!!

  7. this has got to be a joke, if not it is still a joke. Ride the red wave with our great President Donald Trump.

    • “I like taking the guns early,“ Trump said. “To go to court would have taken a long time. Take the guns first, go through due process second,”

      • ????? Trump isn’t pro 2A says Trump says what? You must be a gullible, liberal, Demwit doofus infiltrating this site.

    • Yep – and absolutely no idea as to where his other eye is looking………………….

  11. Biden and his whole family are liars, cheats, and thieves just like every politician out there. I hope he swallows a shotgun. He’s a creep, good ol Gropin Joe. And all the sheep are gonna vote for him or Bernie. He’s another low life waste of DNA. Cheers.

    Wayne Irey

      • If you need a bumpstock to feign full auto, you ain’t no rifleman! Learn how to do it with your thumb and a beltloop. That way it costs you nothing and nobady can prove you did it…moron.

        • So you don’t have a problem is the next democratic president comes in office and places a ban on “assault weapons” by way of executive order? Because that’s the precedent that trump set with the bump stock ban.

    • Id like to see him say it to any red blooded southern man/boy or woman for that matter. He is a joke just like that guy who he was vice to. If ya raised a hand to defend the constitution, then thats what we should do. Against all enemies. Dont know about you, but i dont have a wall around my home or armed body guards with me. TRUMP has my vote