In a remarkable twist that’s already electrifying Creepy Uncle Joe Biden‘s race for the Democratic nomination, we here at Freedom’s Lodge have secured the very first interview with the anti-gun former senator’s brand-new press secretary: Cash Me Outside Girl. This remarkable young woman sprang to stardom with her debut interview on Dr. Phil–quickly capturing a spot on Biden’s campaign team as well as his “Going to Turn 18 Soon” list. Now, in the wake of Biden’s “contentious” exchange with a Michigan union worker who confronted Biden about his anti-gun campaign, Cash Me Outside is here to explain this breathtaking new voter-engagement strategy.
Freedom’s Lodge: Cash Me Outside, your addition to the Biden election campaign is going to stun Washington–what made Joe Biden want you there?
Cash Me Outside: Well, I think he originally really wanted David Hogg to be his press secretary, although he kept calling David “Davida” at first because he thinks Hogg is pretty. So I caught David Hogg outside and beat him like a rented mule. Who’s the pretty one now, bitch?
Freedom’s Lodge: Wow, are you saying that Biden’s campaign advisors are chosen by combat?
Cash Me Outside: They are now, bitch! That was the first thing I changed when he brought me on board. Before then, it was a mixology exam–you hadda make a Manhattan in a paint bucket and get it all into Joey’s beer helmet without spilling or letting him choke on any Maraschino cherries. Ain’t nobody got time for that; just cash me outside and we’ll figure out who’s the press secretary and who’s the towel boy. Bitch.
Freedom’s Lodge: So, yesterday, Creepy Uncle Joe was talking to some union workers about Biden’s position on the Second Amendment. What was your advice to him going in to that press event?
Cash Me Outside: I told him not to take any b.s. from them hoes. They’re going to get up and say “Last week you said you wanted Beta O’Dork to be your gun czar,” but whatevs. Stick your finger in their chest, they’ll forget what you said last week.
Freedom’s Lodge: Was it your idea to have him tell the guy that the video we all watched about how he wants Beto “Hell Yes We’re Coming to Take Your AK-47, Your AR-15” to be his gun-grabber in chief that he was full of sh*t?
Cash Me Outside: Hells naw. I told him to snatch the dude’s weave. Guess he couldn’t get to it under that hard hat. But I will take a moment to note that the four-letter Anglo-Saxonisms that describe body parts and functions are actually an integral part of the rich etymological history of English and the process of dysphemism.
Freedom’s Lodge: What?
Cash Me Outside: Sheeeyit.
Freedom’s Lodge: So, we’re curious about why Creepy Uncle Joe keeps talking about shotguns every time someone asks him about his views on the Second Amendment. Do you have any insight?
Cash Me Outside: When he says that, he just means he’s starting to get the shakes and he needs me to poke a hole in a can of Milwaukee’s Beast so he can chug it faster.
Freedom’s Lodge: A few weeks ago, we had a startling interview with one of Creepy Joe’s closest advisors and the voice in his head, Dog Face Pony Soldier. In that interview, he really came off as a voice of reason in Biden’s head. What was his position on all this?
Cash Me Outside: I caught Dog Face Pony Soldier outside, and now his position is “horizontal.” Ain’t no campaign advising happening from his hospital bed.
Freedom’s Lodge: Cash, this probably won’t be the last time a potential voter asks Biden about how he can say he doesn’t want to grab guns when he keeps saying he wants to grab guns. How will Biden handle these things moving forward?
Cash Me Outside: Well, the next hoe to open their hoe mouth will find out that you don’t need guns if you know how to sharpen a toothbrush. I been teaching Joey B. how to make prison shanks, he loves it.
Freedom’s Lodge: So, can you give us the inside scoop on how Biden plans to implement O’Rourke’s plan to confiscate everything that isn’t a double-barrel shotgun from America’s gun owners?
Cash Me Outside: Well, we’re gonna cash them outside, how bout dah?
At this point, the interview came to a sudden and unexpected end when Cash Me Outside tried to snatch my weave, which, sadly, is actually my hair. She’s captured a chunk of my scalp…and Joe Biden’s heart. What’s next for Cash Me Outside? We’re guessing some shoplifting beefs and a dubstep remix of Biden saying “Buy a shotgun.”
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