Be Vewy Vewy Quiet: It’s Gun-Grabbing Season!

Turns out, the millionth time was the charm!

“We’re not doing guns…but we can do cartoony violence, TNT, the Acme stuff…”

Do you have fond childhood memories of waking early on a Saturday, pouring yourself a bowl full of tooth-melting cereal, and settling down in front of the TV to watch Elmer Fudd chase Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck from Wabbit Season to Duck Season? If so, it’s time to repent of your thoughtcrime, because there’s a reboot of those old Looney ‘Tunes coming down the pike…and there won’t be a double-barrel shotgun or a rootin’, tootin’, razzin’, frazzin’ revolver to be seen. That’s because, as one of the show’s creators told the Washington Times in that linked article, “We’re going through this wave of anti-bullying, everybody needs to be friends, everybody needs to get along.” Of course, this revolutionary strategy to ensure that today’s kids grow up not knowing what guns are…has totally worked!

The author feels a transformation coming on…His cargo shorts and camouflage t-shirt turn into a top hat and tails…a microphone descends from above…balloons and ticker tape spontaneously erupt out of the sky…now the author’s on a unicycle…somewhere, calliope music begins to play as a spotlight hits Trace…

That’s right! Step right up folks, have a gander, have a peek! The gun grabbers have spent the last 80 years saying that cartoon guns cause real-life violence 999,999 times and their patience has finally paid off! The millionth time was the charm–do we have our winner here in the audience today? Sure enough, there they are…

Also wants you to know that your grass is half an inch too long.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the personification of gun control, Karen. By removing cartoon guns from the hands of a cartoon hunter and a cartoon prospector, she has ensured the safety of children everywhere, forever! According to the Washington Times, “Viewers can look forward to seeing the classic toon weapons like dynamite and booby traps, but gone are Elmer Fudd’s shotgun and Yosemite Sam’s revolvers…”

Yes, that’s right, Second Amendment supporters, it’s all over for us now that children will grow up never having seen Elmer Fudd’s shotgun getting bent around into a “c” shape so when he pulls the trigger it blows his hat off and turns his face sooty. These days, Elmer’s hunting Bugs with a scythe, because that’s what hunters do, and also because there’s nothing creepy or violent about a scythe.

Some folks as calls it a Kaiser blade. I calls it a sling blade, mmhmm.

Yes indeedy, my bitter gun-clinging friends, with this one stroke of Elmer Fudd’s mighty scythe, Karen has ended the human propensity towards violence completely! Now that the Looney Tunes characters are relegated to blowing one another up with TNT, we can all link hands and sing Kum-Ba-Yah. After all, the worst massacres in American history weren’t accomplished with bombs or anything. As it turns out, the hoplophobes were right all along, and taking the revolvers out of Yosemite Sam’s holsters will prevent children from ever knowing what a gun is or wanting to play with a toy one.

The author spins around on his unicycle as the ticker tape raining down from above transforms into Facebook “likes.” As the little cartoon thumbs-up hands land on his top hat, a bottle of soy milk appears in one hand and a set of pinking shears in the other (because scythes promote violence and we need to remove them from children’s entertainment now). 

Yes, Karen, thank you for showing us all the way to a gun-free utopia! But I’m a little worried; those kids are eating cereal that has sugar in it. As we all know, sugar causes violence in very much the same way that guns do. Can someone get Bloomberg on the horn and see if we can get Lucky Charms banned right along with 20-ounce sodas and pate de foie gras? Or at least install some very sensible sugar control laws? I’m thinking registration, licensing, and home inspection to ensure proper storage away from vulnerable children, how ’bout you?

Readers, now is the time to band together and finally erase the problem of human-on-human violence once and for all–can you think of any other popular children’s entertainment that should be thoughtcrimed out of existence? Tell us in the comments!