Your Very Own Super Tuesday Anti-Gun Candidate Speech Generator

It’s the morning after the Super Tuesday primaries, and the candidates can go Hump Day themselves.

Ah, Super Tuesday, the day when American supporters of the opposition party go and decide which of the anti-gun candidates they want to put against the sitting president in the upcoming 2020 presidential elections. It’s a perfect time for the remaining contenders (Cory Booker, we hardly knew ye) to get up on stage and bloviate about their plans for America, should they win the presidency.

It’s also a perfect time for Second Amendment supporters to listen closely to what they have to say…for about five minutes, until we realize that it’s all basically the same speech with only a few nouns, adjectives, and gerunds to fill in. With that in mind, I’ve created a sample Super Tuesday speech from one of our favorite anti-gunners (and current front runner) Creepy Uncle Joe Biden. (After all, it won’t be the first time someone did his work for him.) Get your pencils out and your creativity fired up…will your Mad Lib make more sense than his real speeches?

My Fellow Americans, I am [adverb] [adjective] to be here on stage tonight. Out of all the [plural noun] running for president, you have chosen me to lead our [collective noun] to the Oval Office. We have so much work to do. Over [number with lots of zeroes] Americans couldn’t vote for me themselves today because they [past tense verb] as a result of guns, so we had to use a Ouija board to make sure their ghostly voices were heard at the polls.

My Fellow Americans, it’s time to take action against [inanimate object, plural]! When our Founding Fathers wrote “Shall not be infringed,” they weren’t writing about [inanimate object]; they were talking about [inanimate object]. Nobody needs a big [gerund] AR-15 that [present tense verb] thousands of [plural noun] a second. It’s a recipe for disaster!

Last night when I was campaigning in Alabama, I had a long talk about this while I was in bed with my [family member]. She asked me what she should do if someone tried to [verb] our house when I’m on the campaign trail. I told her she should take a shotgun and [verb] it straight into the [noun]. I [verb] my [family member] so much, and if it’s good enough for her and her [family members], it’s good enough for you.

HEY! Who said that? You’re a [gerund] [common pet] [noun] [animal]!

My Fellow Americans, you’ve made your voices heard. If elected, I promise to [verb] the Second Amendment raw. Elizabeth Warren may still be saying “HOW!,” but I have a [noun]. Mike Bloomberg may be spending [number with lots of zeroes], but I have a [noun]. Pete Butta…Buttygosh…Butt [four-letter Anglo-Saxon verb]…probably has a position on that but who cares? My plan is time-tested and proven to work. First, I’ll [verb] the gun safety experts at Moms Demand Hot Action. Then I’ll make everybody register their [plural noun], so we’ll know where to go when we come and take them. Hell YES! I’m really going to [verb] those [inanimate objects] before they run amok, spraying hot [noun] everywhere.

That’s right, America–together, we’ll build a new future, one where [inanimate object] can’t just stick a banana clip up itself and [verb] half the American population. A future where guys in wheelchairs can stand up if I want them to, and where [plural nouns] don’t [verb] my breakfast.

How did your Joe Biden Mad Lib come out? Copy and paste it into the comments!