Please, Let’s Not Look For This Armed American Hero

But it’s okay if you want to picture him as Archer with a Southie accent. I am.

Let’s not “reward” the mysterious armed citizen who saved a stranger’s life by ruining his…

On January 28, we were treated to a wicked pissah tale of road rage from–where else?–Massachusetts. According to this news report from Fox, it all started with a typical ‘Pike event: a minor crash. The two drivers started to argue, and the next thing you know, one of them tries to run the other one down. The man thus vehicularly assaulted was one Richard Kamrowski (who, as you will soon see, has balls so big they need to ride in the passenger seat next to him). Kamrowski, who is 65 years old, leaped up onto the hood of the SUV to avoid injury…not that this deterred the driver, whom I shall herein refer to as King of the Massholes. KotM decided to spend the next two to three miles speeding up to 70, then slowing down, in an attempt to dislodge Kamrowski and his testes.

Artist’s rendition, colorized, 1987

Enter the Mystery Man. Thankfully, the dashcam video that’s being run on that article I referenced above doesn’t depict him. According to the report, MM waited until KotM’s car slowed down enough so that he could get out of his own vehicle, brandish a handgun, and order KotM to stop. At that point, the unharmed Kamrowski was able to dismount from his impromptu steed (quite possibly using his enormous huevos to cushion his fall). The police were called, KotM was arrested, and all is well in the world. Except one thing: Isn’t it wonderful how this person, who seems to want no glory, managed to put a peaceful end to a terrifyingly violent attempted murder? Wouldn’t it be great if we could find–and reward–the anonymous armed citizen who seems to have vanished into thin air the moment he was no longer needed?

Let’s not, and say we did!

Let’s not, and here’s why. First, this took place in the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, where gun laws are so strict that law-abiding citizens have to basically turn themselves inside-out to stay compliant. It’s one of the few remaining “may issue” states for concealed carry, meaning that local police departments have a great deal of leeway in deciding who can and cannot carry a firearm on their person. It’s entirely possible that our anonymous hero wasn’t exactly licensed to have that gun with him in his car, where he could easily access it. Secondly, even if he was, if his name were to come to light he’d be exposed to the kind of media virtual body-cavity search that makes the real-world version look like a walk in the park. Finally, even if by some miracle both local law enforcement and the local media chose to treat him the way you and I would like to treat him–with respect for the good deed he did–he would still have to deal with getting the side-eye from his neighbors and kids’ friends’ parents. In a blue state where gun ownership has been largely denormalized, that’s considerable.

So if you happen to suspect who the Mystery Armed Citizen of the Massachusetts Turnpike might be and you like him, now might be a good time to develop a case of amnesia. Maybe a case of Mystic Brewery Barleywine could help with that…