Joe Biden thinks that you should take a psychiatric test to be a gun owner. Which test? This one!
Yesterday we learned that Joe Biden‘s “wish list” for gun rights in America includes a licensing scheme not just for guns, but for gun owners–and that said scheme would include a psych eval. Once we got done savoring the delicious irony of good ol’ Creepy Uncle Joe thinking he should be the arbiter of anyone’s sanity, we got to thinking. If the 2020 presidential election goes Biden’s way, we really ought to have a cheat sheet handy for our readers. Let me tell you, G. Gordon Liddy’s got nothin’ on us, because we did a little “plumbing” ourselves (and boy were we glad we brought the drain snake for that job). Consider this your cheat sheet to defeat Joe Biden’s psychiatric test in Biden’s gun-free America!
1. How old were you when you were potty-trained?
a. I don’t remember; probably around two?
b. I got a special award for it when I graduated middle school!
c. Some right-wing nutjob just pooped my pants.
2. What is the difference between a Glock 19 and a S&W K-Frame?
a. One is a semi-automatic and one is a revolver.
b. One of them is for old detective shows and one of them is for new detective shows.
c. You give me a nine millimeter Glock, and you have a thirty-eight revolver, I’ll kill more people quickly in here. You’d shoot as many, but I’ll kill more.
3. Hypothetical situation: You have just taken $5 from your friend’s wallet. He asks you if you did it. What do you say?
a. Yes, you told me to grab it because you were going to cover the tip for the pizza delivery guy. Don’t you remember?
b. Tell him that’s your $5 bill because he didn’t build that, he didn’t make that.
c. Wave the $5 bill in his face while telling him he’s full of sh*t.
4. What is this a picture of?
a. A human pelvis
c. That’s my friend, Dog Face Pony Soldier! Where have you been, pal?
5. How long did your mother breastfeed you?
a. I have no idea; I’d have to ask my mom.
b. Slurp, slurp. What?
c. Nowhere near long enough, but that’s what Vice Presidents are for.
6. As a civilian, is it ever morally acceptable to use lethal force against another human being?
a. Yes, but only in an extremely narrowly defined set of circumstances; specifically, if I or a loved one am in immediate danger of death or grievous bodily injury.
b. No, unless they’re law enforcement officers.
c. What “b” said, but also I’ll bail you out.
7. How many rounds of ammunition are in a 30-round magazine?
a. Thirty…uh, are you okay?
b. Is it a double-barrel magazine extended clip? If so, then Trumpty-Billion rounds are in that magazine.
c. Some right-wing nutjob just pooped my pants again.
8. Can I smell your hair?
a. Depends on whether you’re standing or sitting, bud.
b. Yes. I soaked it in Four Loko, just like you like it.
c. Kamala’s hair smelled the best.
How did you do on Joe Biden’s psychiatric evaluation for prospective gun owners? Check your list of answers…
If your answers were MOSTLY A: Sorry, you right-wing nutjob, but the Second Amendment doesn’t apply to you and your wrongthink. Also, have you tried Herbal Essences shampoo?
If your answers were MOSTLY B: Sorry, you useful idiot, but the Second Amendment doesn’t apply to you because you don’t own a musket and you aren’t in a militia.
If your answers were MOSTLY C: Hi, Joe! Your team of armed Secret Service agents are here to deliver an over/under shotgun to your wife so she can shoot it up into the air.
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.